Discussion » Beijing Life » James Smith's reviews

  • Minger
    Minger wrote:
    I can't take a wit of credit for these, I'm not even the one who found them, but I was looking for a place to go out tonight and I thought everyone would benefit from some of James Smith's reviews of things in Beijing. Enjoy.

    Every laowai (foreigner) in Beijing knows this bar. Despite it’s location (if you look for ‘nowhere’ on a map then Wudaokou - the area where this bar is - is in the middle of that, miiiiiiiiles out of town… but in a thriving expat community nonetheless), this bar is always busy. It’s 24-hours so that helps. But then again it is tucked away inside a bookshop…
    ...In summary, if you happen to be stuck in wudaokou (i.e. you live there… there wouldn’t be a reason to go otherwise) then this is an OK bar to go to. I would say there are better bars in wudaokou but the reason I give this bar 3 stars and not 2 is because it’s quite near to the subway station - the fastest way back to the city. Actually I will give it 2 stars.

    The Tree:
    ...In one respect it's very strange that The Tree is raved about in Beijing for having the best pizzas. I suspect this is simply because they impress visitors with the huge oven that greets them upon entry and imparts the notion of authenticity which is all too often unfamiliar among non-Europeans. In another respect, it's not really surprising at all given that 99% of the patrons of this restaurant are, what I like to call, cunts...
    ...However I may have still been able to enjoy it (it was being washed down with a fine Belgian beer after all!) had it not been for the UNFATHOMABLY rude twats all around me, abusing the waitresses at every opportunity and gathering there only to try and ignore the fact that they're in China, the only place in the world where anyone would be kind enough to offer their sort any respect. Alas, these are just the sort of people one is likely to come across in the hellhole that is Sanlitun. That's another star gone right there.

    Oh go on then. 1 star for the beers. It's not like I have a choice.

    If you like being:

    - Physically and mentally molested by literally hoards of impatient peddlers trying to push their fake gadgets into your face "Herro sir you wanna buy raptop??"

    - Completely ripped off for buying a bag of dead-cat-mulch that's been squeezed into a lovely new sony laptop casing.

    - Bartering endlessly long after you thought you'd agreed on a price.

    - Having to make at least 2 return trips to replace or repair whatever you've bought.

    - Trawling through a plethora of identical little stalls, all equally suspect, as you are carried by the current of crowds of equally frustrated customers.

    ...then you'll LOVE zhongguancun

    Silk Street Market:
    Imagine what it would feel like to staple your eyelids to your feet and then do a few star jumps...

    You see where I'm going with this review...

    This monstrosity is somehow still described in all the guide books (well, websites these days... books are history) as an enchanting place where one can come to do all their souvenir shopping, be one seeking genuine cultural artifacts or knock-off clothing and handbags. In reality, stepping through the doors is like being sucked into one giant putrid arse-hole with each bum-hair brushing your face on the way in, pressuring you to buy an immitation emperor's costume made out of bubblewrap and asbestos. Basically at some point the municipal government scraped all the shit of the streets and piled it up into this one giant colostomy building. Yes that's right, do not be inveigled! It's actually a building (with no windows), not a street at all, as the name confusingly suggests....

    ...Fear not, dear Qypers, for I prometheatically provide you with this hidden gem. It's a good job that the gods - z
  • Minger
    Minger wrote:
    ...Fear not, dear Qypers, for I prometheatically provide you with this hidden gem. It's a good job that the gods - zeus, jesus, santa claus etc. - do not exist, lest we both be punished. I by being chained to a cliff-face for my liver to be eternally eaten by a giant eagle, you by being burdened with:

    "the deadly race and tribe of women who live amongst mortal men to their great trouble"

    No more nonsense, I promise. Beijing food is generally quite bland and enjoyed only by Beijingers. Beijing-style restaurants tend to be: dirty, uncomfortable, and very noisy, although this all makes for a very pleasant atmosphere. This restaurant serves all the classic dishes to a very high standard and is always busy. Always. It's not very big so at peak times expect to have to wait for a table.

    Hokay Fitness Center:

    This gym has everything. Everything, that is, in terms of the type of 'gym people’ you see there (the equipment is actually rather limited, especially given that it’s directly below a huge office block and it’s the only gym for kilometres around - and the range of machines is no more than the basic). You have the ugly beefcakes who are there every day and do not do anything unless someone is watching them. You have the fat chicks who think a short and gentle walk, lacking any exertion, constitutes exercise. You have the yoga babes. You have the solitary ginger kid who thinks bulging biceps will… divert the attention. And finally you have the gorgeous and steadfast runner who stations himself next to the yoga room so he can perv on the babes while he’s pushing it to the limit, Rocky-style. (i.e. me)

    Ah, stereotypes. No, the Jews don’t drink the blood of Christian Children. No, not all priests bugger children. And no, Don Cheadle didn’t start the genocide in Darfur just so he could make a film about it where he’s the hero. Probably. However if we’re being honest with ourselves then Asian men do indeed have small penises. The male changing rooms in the Hokay gym, lined with mirrors, are basically a micro-penis gallery. Just the other day I saw a man pacing back and forth, bollock-naked. In the one hand he was holding his mobile phone while with the other he was using his thumb and forefinger to constantly twang a member so tiny that unless he has Parkinson’s, I can’t see how he can give pleasure to even the smallest of land mammal, let alone impregnate one.

    In summary, it’s quite a hellish place. Poor air conditioning leaves it swelteringly hot while you’re surrounded by crowds of people punishing themselves. Unfortunately, there is no other choice if you want to exercise as there are no other gyms in the area. On the other hand, if there are as many mirrors in the female changing rooms as there are in the male then I can’t think of a place I’d rather go when I die.

    Aside: I have no idea who this guy is, but I'm totally adding him to the list of people I'd force-marry if I were ever to be single again and became gay. I'm finding that the list of people I'd force marry is starting to contain more guys than girls... Should I be concerned?
  • pommie
    pommie wrote:
    I'm like ... 80 percent sure I go that gym.

    I always run on the treadmill next to the yoga room, perving on the babes inside and imagining I'm part of a sports training montage.

    The Chinese men do "wash" their JJs quite vigourously and for a surprising length of time. Where I'm from there's a five-second rule on that sort of behaviour. Ten minutes is just suspicious. I'm sure that thing was clean a long time ago.
  • Minger
    Minger wrote:
    Hmm I guess I should have put "sex" in the title if I wanted anyone to read these...
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    "The Chinese men do "wash" their JJs quite vigourously and for a surprising length of time. Where I'm from there's a five-second rule on that sort of behaviour. Ten minutes is just suspicious. I'm sure that thing was clean a long time ago."

    I think he was just trying to make it dirty again...

    And to come to the defense of my fellow small-dicked Chinese men... ummmm.... our penises aren't small! They just appear small under the massive black haired bush. And the differential between a limp Chinese man's penis and an erect penis is quite huge, unlike western guys who grow stiffer but who do not gain quite as many inches while erect.

    (Sorry fellow Chinese guys. That's the best I got)
  • Minger
    Minger wrote:
    Oh, I didn't include the word sex, but I unwittingly included the word "penis", so at least this got some attention.
  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:
    A grower, not a shower. Fair 'nuff.
  • pommie
    pommie wrote:
    I can't say I approve of dick swinging competitions. Besides being decidedly ghey, men are all brothers and should be united against the common enemy:


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