Discussion » Nonsense » In Honor of Chuck Norris' 70th B-day

  • Laura Lemire
    Laura Lemire wrote:
    Here is a great list of Chuck Norris jokes. Hope it draws a lot of laughs, but I understand that the joke might be lost to some because of a culture gap.

    1. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick-related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
    2. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
    3. Chuck Norris mistakenly sent Jesus a birthday card on Dec. 25. Jesus was too scared to correct Chuck Norris and to this day Dec. 25 is known as Jesus's birthday.
    4. Chuck Norris was born three months premature, because he had asses to kick.
    5. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb.
    6. And on the first day Chuck Norris was created ... and he took care of everything else later that afternoon.
    7. Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.
    8. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
    9. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
    10. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
    11. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
    12. Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.
    13. Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
    14. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
    15. The role of Alf in the hit 80s TV show was played by Chuck Norris's penis.
    16. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
    17. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
    18. According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
    19. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
    20. Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
    21. Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
    22. They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take shit from anybody.
    23. Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
    24. The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris.
    25. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
    26. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
    27. If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
    28. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
    29. Chuck Norris got a blow up doll pregnant.
    30. Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
    31. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
    32. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
    33. It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
    34. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
    35. Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
    36. Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
    37. When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
    38. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
    39. Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
    40. If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.
    41. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
    42. We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
  • Åse Marie Strand
    43. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
    44. Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
    45. Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
    46. When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn't lifting himself up -- he's pushing the Earth down.
    47. A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
    48. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
    49. The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.
    50. What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.
    51. Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
    52. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
    53. Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.
    54. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
    55. Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
    56. There are no such things as tornadoes. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
    57. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
    58. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
    59. Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
    60. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
    61. When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell," he MEANS it.
    62. Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.
    63. Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.
    64. If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.
    65. Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
    66. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
    67. Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
    68. In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
    69. The square root of Chuck Norris is pain.
    70. Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.
  • Åse Marie Strand
    And just for the hell of it, here is a definition I found amusing from urbandictionary.com:

    Chuck Norris -

    v. to perform a totally cool and violent action, observable by peers

    v. to judiciously kick a man, woman, child, or animal's ass

    v. to maintain street credibility;
    adj. for street cred
    Did you see the way Stewart Chuck Norrised that fucking guy's neck? That's awesome.

    Phil Chuck Norrised that cat because it gave him a look and walked across the hall.

    Did you see the way Travis slapped that bitch? That's Chuck Norris.
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)

    For anyone interested ... Chuck Norris is in fact one of Bruce Lee's students and had taken part in Bruce Lee's movie ... Chuck Norris also starred in a TV series called "Walker, Texas Ranger" ... maybe too old for most of you? Hahaha ...
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    The first time I heard "Chuck Norris can divide by zero" I had to explain to my entire office why I couldn't stop laughing. Nothings changed 5 years later. aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
  • Hariwan Zebari
    Jesus didnt came back to earth yet because he owes money to Chuck Norris

    If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

    Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

    The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

    When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

    Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

    Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
  • Åse Marie Strand
    Ah, thanks for responding to this post guys. I always get a chuckle from these jokes. :P
  • ALK
    ALK wrote:
    34. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

    ...now he's counting backwards.
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
  • Pete DeMola
    Pete DeMola wrote:
    Not to be a party-pooper -- or politicize this thread -- but I lost all respect for the bearded one after he made his extreme right-wing views public.

    Click here to read some of his Op-Eds penned for the conservative website WorldNetDaily.

    I propose that the we, the good folk of the Internet, start a joke meme about this guy.

  • A
    A wrote:
  • Åse Marie Strand
    @ Thorstan

    Yes he is really 70; I couldn't believe it either. Chuck Norris drank from the fountain of eternal youth and then roundhouse kicked it, trapping the water supply underground forever. He never told anyone the location because there can be only one...

  • Åse Marie Strand
    @ 叮噹叔叔 and Aylisan

    A thousand thanks for those picture posts. Oh man, those "Action Jeans" just made my day. Gotta love it!
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)

    Hahahaha ... Laura, you are welcome, I was just browsing for porn when I came across the page on Tom.COM titled "the most innovative pants/jeans", and this was one of them, so I thought I should showed it to everyone ... but it did take me a while to find this thread, hope there is a better and easier way to search for threads on this site ...

    ... I did wiki about him ... Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris (born March 10, 1940) ...
  • Åse Marie Strand
    Chuck Norris will never die because when Death comes to claim him, he will roundhouse kick the bad mutherfucker...

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