Discussion » Health & Fitness » Do you believe in 'innocent' friendship between bo

  • Sheryl Zhong
    Sheryl Zhong wrote:

    I just had a massive debate with a girl at work about how girls and boys can/ cannot be friends innocently.

    I don't believe in innocent friendship between two straight opposite sexes, there must be some sort of sexual attraction for really intimate/strong friendship between different sex (unless one is gay).

    My girl friend disagrees...she has a dozen boy friends who are just 'mates'. I said if they are REALLY close friends then either they fancy u or u fancy some of them. She denies...the discussion is now open to all

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)


    I think that depends on the people involved ...

    One of my "bros" had been a friend of mine for 30+ years. She was very plain looking but extremely smart, and she was always on my case when I tried to pay out on her friends ... i.e. very protective. We had lots of fun with that, and then she went to USA and I went to Australia. We had seen each other once or twice, and often stayed in touch via phone and email and Facebook. She is now happily married and has two very intelligent sons.

    I doubt if she had ever fancied me, and I know I had never fancied her, though I might have wondered if we might have worked ... then I would laugh, gave her a call and we both laughed.

    I have also maintained friends with another girl two years her junior, from the same school, about 29 years now! We were as close as sister and brother, and I remembered she called me in June 2001 when she knew about my brain tumor ... she was crying ...

    So far I have not met the third girl that can be my buddy yet ... because I have grown older and "badder" ... but anyway ... to answer your question, such friendship does exist ... the keyword here is "innocent", and most people could only maintain their innocence for so long ... when they learn about "sex", it would make things more difficult ...

  • Pete DeMola
    Pete DeMola wrote:

    I have lots of girl friends who I see regularly with no sexual tension.

    Platonic friends are great. Everyone should have at least a few to become a more well-rounded and balanced individual.

    But then again, I'm in the media industry and cycle through dozens of young, telegenic people per day -- at clubs, bars, wherever -- so maybe I'm a bit more picky than most people, and don't consider every female to be potential mate.

    Does that answer your question?

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)


    Hahaha ... so you answered your own question with a big "yes" ...


  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)


    YL ... good for you :)

  • Richie
    Richie wrote:

    Attraction - YES!

    Sexual attraction - not necessarily true.

    Even between same sex friends - there definitely would some mutual attraction - which does not need to be sexual. Besides, there is certain extent of homosexuality in everyone - both men and women, and that's more evident between women.

  • Da Fan
    Da Fan wrote:

    I agree with Mr. Slump that it depends on the people involved.

    It doesn't mean that there is a certain group of people who can always keep their friendship with opposite sex "innocent", while the others just cannot. It means that the "sample" we're talking abt should at least be a pair of people, but not someone individually.

    I think the most common situation is that like A got lots of friends of opposite sex, like B, C ,D...and A&B, A&C are "innocent" indeed, while A&D is sort of flirtatious or more. Maybe people just differs on the likelihood thing.

    And more important, even things like "sexual attraction" exist(it do exist broadly), most commonly it doesn't necessarily mean that your friendship is BASED ON sexual attraction, or the intention of this friendship is "un-innocent". Agree?

  • Martin Webster

    ...I'm married to the most fantastic woman, if she wasn't my wife I'd want to be her friend... most good relationships are largely based on strong friendship, in my experience.

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)


    The new vocab for this discussion are "flirt" and "intimate" ... and Mr Webster has got a very good point.

    Been in BJ for 3+ years, and if I found a girl interesting (not necessarily sexually attractive) and likes to have fun, I would "flirt" with her... for example, there was one I kept saying to her "oh darling, etc" when I called her about work, and people on my side of the phone felt creepy, and she laughed her way through the whole conversation ... so, just for fun, and nothing had or will ever happen ... but this needs to be selective, some girls (esp Chinese) are not used to this ...

    Sheryl, if your BF gets intimite with another girl, would that have gone beyond the line of "innocent" already? I talked to many girls on the web, and I only flirt with those whom I know they would not misunderstand my meaning, I just play my "uncle" role and talked, talked and talked more ...  

  • Peter Baird
    Peter Baird wrote:

    It's possible, but it ain't always easy. Some of my best friends are girls I have platonic relationships with, BUT...I can think of a couple circumstances where I felt compelled to try for more. Felt bad about it at the time, yet now I'm actually glad for it. There is something about getting all that sexual tension out of the way that makes it a big relief in the end.

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)


    Agreed with Peter ... the suspense of "what if" can ruin any friendship ...

  • Da Fan
    Da Fan wrote:

    Hei Sheryl, you're not weird at all, or at least you're not alone. Many girls or even guys got the feeling just like you, and maybe my girlfriend is one of them:)  Just think abt what you will reply when asking "what do u think when one of your girl friend got a very intimate friendship with a guy", and "what do u think when your girlfriend/wife ...", answers could be quite different, like "totally no problem, it's good for her mental health"for the first question, and "really? I must talk to my girl, that fxxking dildo must on for something" for the second one......

    But I think what really matters is the extent of our reaction. I am sometimes felt uncomfortable when hearing my girl is of some very close boy friends, but now its totally ok. Some guys are firtatious with her, or even chasing her, and many more are just her "innocent" boy friends, but...so what? She is innocent, that's enough.

    Do innocent friendship exist? of couse, every kinds of friendships do exit, like "innocent", "flirtatious for fun", "flirtatious intentionally", "unilateral on for something", "bilateral on for something", or even fxxk buddies. We needn't to criticize any, the point is the status of pals you care abt, like your boyfriend. Not all guys are "dick driven", Sheryl, you had to trust your man that he's not a dueche bag.

  • Daisyjane
    Daisyjane wrote:

        " I said if they are REALLY close friends then either they fancy u or u fancy some of them"

         Basically agree with you. Or we can say"if they are/were really close friends then either they fancy/fancied you or u fancy/fancied some of them".

        I have several close male friends and enjoy the so-called innocent relationship with them.


  • Winnie
    Winnie wrote:

    That kind of relationship between guys and girls exsit but rare especially as two people are very close.

    i have very good friends that i care. we've been there for each other. but we are not in touch all the time. we update info with each other but not frequently...especially we are not in the same city now.

    i think the question is: if you are in close touch with an itimate friend of the opposit sex, is that relationship only within friendship?

    i'd say no! especially when you have a problem and he/she's the first (or second if you have a bf/gf you wanna call).  no idea about guys, but it's more likely that if a girl (or maybe just me) is consistantly in close contact with a guy, she's interested. that doesnt neccessary mean she wants to be in a relationship with the guy. but it means she is interested.

    what about guys? if there's someone that he talks to often, go have dinner often. say like once or twice every week. does that seem like a friendship only thing?


  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)


    Another vocab is "close" ... how close is "close"?

    I just made a call to Alabama, after hearing about the reported 1 million cases of H1N1, and my friend told me everything is OK. In our case, we cared as much as brother and sister, but like I had said, we are just two middle age crazy kids. We have always been close, she told me when she had BF problems (that was too many years ago), and I told her when I have problem at work, but we were never intimate.

    No one had really defined the word "intimate" in any post, so can I assume that there is more than platonic frendship going on? ... yes, Winnie, for what you have defined, it is already far from innocent ... it is more like the Meg Ryan classic, "When Harry Meet Sally", the intimacy is there, but each person is tied to another person ...

    At the end, it boils down to the two persons involved ... which way do they want the relationship (or friendship) to develop, and how "innocent" do they want to be?


  • Joy
    Joy wrote:

    it's neccessary to keep innocent friendship with oppsite sexes. People need  a lot of friends and need both of  sexes. it's ridiculous to fancy evey boy friend you own. So the innocent friendship must exist

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)


    Good on you Sheryl, you actually have that many friends? I dont need fingers to count ...

  • Anatole Ginsberg

    Ahh, the infamous "when harry met sally" dilemma.

    I have more female friends than male, but I don't sleep with them.  Of course you're right about having occasional sexual thoughts with many of them, but, well, I am a male.... I could get sexual thoughts looking at doorknobs; doesn't mean I'm actually attracted, and it certainly doesn't mean I'm going to act on it. I just happen to get along better with girls (in general).

    Anyway, you can't really make any absolute rules about these things. Sometimes a guy and a girl can be friends, sometimes they can't. Sometimes two friends will unexpectedly become attracted to each other after years of a platonic relationship, sometimes they won't. Sometimes two friends will sleep together, sometimes they won't; sometimes there will be consequences, sometimes there won't. Sometimes one friend will lie and say they're not in love with the other.... and sometimes ..... well, you know ;)

    I think it's easier for girls to have close male friends and not be attracted than the other way around. For some reason, guys tend to fall in love with their close female friends.

  • Ramz
    Ramz wrote:

    Just depends on how physically attracted you are to them.  I have plenty of female friends - the thing is that for the most part, they became my female friends because I was initally attracted to them in some way. (of course there are those situations where they are your friends gf, or you met them through other friends etc)

    So I would be lying if I told you that I wouldn't have sex with a female friend if that specific circumstance came into play.  There is always going to be an physical attraction there. 

    You are friends with males or female because something about them attracts you in some way, and in most cases with female, that means you're going to end up wanting to have sex with them.  its science.

    if this has already been addressed in a simiar manner than I apologize, didn't read through the whole thread.

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)


    I agree that there is always "attraction", because without this, friendship would not have existed, but whether it be physical or otherwise, it boils down to individuals.

    Although "physical" would never hurt, I prefer intellectual attraction ... as friends, communication goes way above "hey, you look hot" or "your place or mine?" ... if two people cannot communicate, then of course there can only have physical attraction.

    Dinner time ...

  • Ramz
    Ramz wrote:

    The thing is, with women, intelectual attraction usually leads to physical attraction.  They're either going to have physical, intelectual, or both, and in either of these cases, you'd probably end up sleeping with them if the circumstance presented itself.

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)


    Yes, scientifically proven, brain is the sexiest organ ...

    So you have a very valid point here, and I myself had experienced many times where this line had became blurred ...

    There is also a saying that sex ruined friendship, and that can happen to a lot of people, Chinese or otherwise ... so, intelligent people have controls, urges are for lesser class ... and I believe we are all intelligent people ...

  • Ramz
    Ramz wrote:

    Oh of course, you're 100% right.  There is always good chance where it can lead to the ruination of relationships... But that isn't really the discussion here, is it. ;)

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)


    You are correct, that is not the discussion .. but it was led off-course ...

    The point is still,. yes, such friendship can exist, but it requries controls and understandings ...

  • Richie
    Richie wrote:

    guess who usually ruins the 'innocent' (don't think there's innocent relationships anymore - depends on how u define innocence) relationship between a male and a female?

    Answer: Female - more often.


    Why? Men may have 'sexual attraction' but they can live w/ it. but when it comes to women, 'emotions' come into play ... and there! boom!... end of what otherwise couldv'e been a nice and clean (doesn't mean innocent) relationship.


    Women usually tend to expect more from a relationship than men.

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)


    OK, the topic had shifted from the discussion of whether there is platonic relationships, into a discussion about "who wanted more from a relationship" ... is that correct? Maybe we should start a new thread?

    If I remember correctly, statistics shows that suicide due to bad relationship were usually female victims, not the male .... as well, murder suspect after a relationship breaks down were also mostly female ... if I am incorrect, please let me know.

    It is perhaps true that most women do not expect much from a relationship... initially anyway ... whereas men tend to expect "a lot", and "marriage" is usually not any part of it ... as it moves forward, women would expect more and more, whereas men would expect less and less ...

    When one gets more than expectation, he/she is happy ... otherwise, very unhappy .. that's a universal rule ... so only if all women expects nothing, then the world will be a happier place.


  • Rebecca Dreiling

    I think platonic friendships with heterosexual opposite-genders are extremely difficult to maintain. Almost always, we fall for our friends because well, they're our friends, and our friends are awesome!

  • Webslave
    Webslave wrote:

    i had many very deep going friendships with girls, unfortunately we lost contact when i moved to china over 10 years ago. real friendship has nothing to do with gender.

  • 张颖
    张颖 wrote:

    I truly believe that "Innocent" friendship does exist like  叮当 said, I also have a very good male friend, and we kept close relationship, he also has wife, but it's a real friendship without anything else...

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