Bottled Bands

Posted by Pete DeMola on 30. Jun 2010

BEIJING, JUNE 30 -- While taking in this past Sunday's installment of the "Don't Call Me Laowai" event series at MAO Live House (Boy #6 ain't too bad -- they crank out raucous, fuzz-fueled modern rock -- and melodic neo-grunge quartet the Grinding Ear is also worthy of your attention), I noticed someone had written the name of the new SUBS record, "The Queen of Fucking Everything," on the chalkboard that serves as their drink menu.

"Cold Blooded Animal" was also written in the same neatly-penned block letters, but they didn't appear to be customized drinks or anything.

No prices. Just names.

And that got me thinking.

To boost drink sales at the city's live music venues -- and to add a forward-thinking element that is reflective of the bands that play within -- bar managers would do well in naming drinks after bands that often play, or used to play, at their respective venues.

The first round is on me.

Carsick Cars
An initially off-putting cocktail that is an acquired taste. While it not be memorable at first, after 15-or-so servings, it will probably grow on you.

怪力(Guai Li)
A shot from a large vat of reptile-pickled baijiu stored behind the bar. Like their name, a "Guai Li" will almost certainly imbue the drinker with strange forces as a result of its wide array of medicinal properties.

Twisted Machine
Equal parts Southern comfort and malt liquor.

The Unsafe
A Long Island Iced Tea. Highly-potent and dangerous, it goes down smoothly and without incident, that is, until several are consumed in a very short time frame.

南无 (Nanwu)
In accordance with their traditional Chinese instrumentation laced with smoldering blues, a "No South" would be shots of maotai served in delicate porcelain cups.

The Offset: Spectacles
A gin martini, the quintessential classic and timeless drink reflective of taste and a refined palette.

A mercurial drink whose ingredients change with each concoction; may include as many as six but as few as one.

24 Hours
Anything bold and laced with caffeine, like a Red Bull and vodka.

Candy Monster
A sacchrine cocktail laden with useless accessories, like plastic umbrellas and blinking diodes. Must be served in a large punchbowl with an oversized-straw.

窒息 (Suffocated)
The Zombie. This brutal classic contains hefty servings of dark, light and spiced rum with trace amounts of brandy, sugar syrup, lime and pineapple juice.

Wu & the Side Effects
A potent tequila-based cocktail that will knock the drinker on their ass for three (or more) days.

A room-temperature draft beer, or any 800ml bottle of beer that someone sneaks into the club.

You Mei You
Something that goes down smooth with hints of perversity, like a Bangkok Margarita: tequila, pineapple juice and Domaine de Canton ginger liqueur.

Arrows Made of Desire
Must induce sleep within seconds of ingestion. Any watered-down drink spiked with strong doses of Nyquil or Tylenol PM should do the trick.

嘎调 (Gar)
A bold red wine that tastes better with age.

Pet Conspiracy
The mojito. It's universal enough to appeal to everyone, but manages to hold clout with aficionados in possession of more discerning tastebuds.

Frosty Eve
Brisk, hard-hitting and elegant in its simplicity with shades of Scandinavia, like a glass of Absolut Vodka with a splash of lime.

Any drink with a reputation for underwear removal, like a Bacardi Breezer or a Cosmo.

Early Bus
This technically isn't a drink -- it's a spliff. Just ask the barstaff if they're holding. If not, no problem! Just follow your nose. But remember: puff, puff, pass.

Xiao He
A bottle of Red Star erguotou. Almost undrinkable, but somehow manages to maintain a fanbase among hardcore adherents.

Fanzui Xiangfa
A shot of Jack Daniels. It's acute, damaging and straight to the point.

Hot & Cold
"We tend to take our drinks straight and in relative moderation," said Joshua Frank, one-half of the experimental noise rock duo. We suggest a scotch on the rocks. While mellow and unassuming at first, the opportunities for self-abuse with this classic are endless.

Soju Legion

A sinister, subversive and bubbling concoction, like absinthe or an equally-dangerous cocktail that hasn't yet been invented.

Homebrew distilled in a trash can in rural Hebei. Recommended ingredients include Blue Star beer and fennel with dashes of erguotou and fermented cabbage.

新裤子(New Pants)
A cup of strong black coffee. While no fun at a live show, it is wonderful while waking up in the morning.

The Molds
This actually doesn't exist. In the event that someone orders one, the bartender shall either ignore the patron or unexpectedly serve them something a few days later.

Image courtesy of Flickr user Edwin Land through Creative Commons licensing.

Get involved! Are you familiar enough with the electronic music scene to create a similar list for DJs? Send me a private message and we'll go from there.

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