Discussion » Nonsense » Becoming a Janner (Dedicated to Dando)

  • Wicked Witch
    Wicked Witch wrote:
     THE JANNER TEXTBOOK

    Definition :Someone who is born, raised and lives usually by the seaside.
    Within Naval Terminology = someone from the west country. But specifically Plymouth.

    The Definitive Guide To Becoming The Textbook Janner

    STEP ONE

    To become the perfect Janner, you must first perfect the language. Although a fairly basic adaptation of the common English language as you and I know it, Janner is not as easy to learn as you may think, but by following these simple rules you will be fully conversant in Janner in no time.

    Permutations of the English language known as

    The misuse if the word

    When first meeting a Janner you wish to converse with, the common greeting used will probably be

    The random exchanging of vowels to make Janner words sound different is a common practice i.e.

    THE MALE JANNER

    To achieve this look you can chose between two hairstyles;

    THE FRENCH CROP

    Janners should always wear at least one large gold hoop earring, although the more, the better. One in EACH ear will normally stop the Janner from leaning to one side, stopping him from walking around in circles. No Janner should be without his gold chain and large gold sovereign rings. Both can be purchased from Argos, Index or Half Price Jewellers.

    All clothing should be labeled well and bought slightly too large to give the illusion of size. Large jumpers should be worn at all times even in hot weather or in a club (NOTE: If in

    All clothing can be purchased from a dodgy mate who

    THE FEMALE JANNER

    To achieve the look is a lot easier if you have given birth at sixteen, however, if you are yet to be impregnated, it is still possible to be convincing as a female Janner.

    The first step has to be the perm. Straight fringe is optional but does come in handy when hair is “up”. Hair should be heavily moussed and hair sprayed to the point where it looks wet at all times. For special occasions such as weddings and boyfriends court appearances, the hair can be tied on top of the head, leaving just four curly sections; two for the fringe and two in front of each ear.

    Tracksuits, large jumpers and leggings can be worn at all times with trainers. This is a look known as the

    Tattoos are essential to the female Janner. These are usually positioned on the shoulder and are normally a rose, unicorn, dolphin or butterfly. One of these tattoos must also be on one of your breasts to be seen when they are exposed in Union Street at 2.30am outside the kebab shop. Finally, one must be positioned on the top of your arm, maybe your child

    You must WEAR AS MUCH JEWELLERY AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE. This should include earrings (at least twelve in each ear), at least two rings on each finger, and three gold chains, all of which can be purchased as before from Argos, Index or Half Price Jewelers. A septic bellybutton piercing is also essential for the scuddy appearance.

    STEP THREE LIFESTYLE

    By now, you should be able to converse in Janner and look like one as well, but this is not enough. To be fully accepted within the Janner community, you must live the same lifestyle. This not only means living in Swilly, but also nicking car stereos, selling “GEAR” to your mates and taking an hour off from your job so you can go sign on.

    The male Janner must have a car, preferably a Nova, but an XR3 will have the same effect as long as it has a full body kit, Goodmans stereo with Pioneer stick on your back window and a loud exhaust. Tinted windows are optional, but the piece de resistance is alloy wheels that are worth more than the car itself.
    Now your “Jannermobile” is complete!

    For socialising, only go to places where there is no dress code as you will only own blue jeans.

    The Janner will always smoke “FEGS”, probably purchasing “10 LAMMERTNBUTLERS” from the “PACKIE SHOP INNIT” on regular occasions.

    As mentioned before, fighting is an essential part of both the male and female Janners lifestyle, and although probably not that adept at hand to hand combat, will adapt everyday items such as bottles, ashtrays and ten of their “MEHHTS” to aid them in this weekly pastime.

    A popular venue or fighting or “FOYTEN” is Union Street, where Janners will gather after dark to pursue this hobby. Jesters is one of the prime venues for these events as there are many intoxicated Royal Navy seamen to be found on the premises, also known a “FOCKIN’ MATLOWS INNIT” These “FOCKIN’ MATLOWS INNIT” make popular targets for the Janner as they are mainly from “up the line”. This being the case means that they do not possess the ability to converse with the Janner, so all confrontations lead straight to violence. Although no excuse is ever needed for the Janner to initiate violence, often the “FOCKIN’ MATLOWS INNIT” will bring the event on themselves by, as mentioned before, spilling the Janners pint or examining the Janners spouses breasts. Fighting is also a popular pastime for the female Janner, although taken a lot more seriously and in most cases a lot more violent than the male. Domestic violence is also essential for the Janner, but only in public view. This includes the striking of unruly Janner offspring. Supermarkets and public transport are favorite venues for this activity.

    When not fighting, the male and female Janner may partake in the activity of “JANNERDANCING”. This is a complex part of the Janner lifestyle that will take years of practice, especially for the male. Females may dance in a circle of three or more around a carefully arranged array of BEGS, purses, FEGS and pay-as-you-talk mobile phones.

    If female and dancing with only one female Janner, then you must pretend to be a lesbian with your dancing partner at all times. Be warned, this will lead to attracting the male Janner to dance behind you, rubbing his genitalia against your lower back in an attempt to mate.

    The male “JANNERDANCE” takes slightly more practice, as you will need to learn to dance whilst blocking out all music and rhythm within earshot. To start with a Walkman can be worn into the club to give the illusion of no rhythm. Feet only need to be moved slightly, or maybe one in front of the other (like walking on the spot, slowly). Then, one arm with clenched fist or straight hand (depending whether the music if “TRANCE” or “CHART”) should be flicked out randomly upwards and outwards and then back to the side of the body. The other arm should stay at your side. This move can be repeated with both arms in variation, but remember, this MUST BE IN TIME WITH THE MUSIC, or the other Janners will see this an accuse you of dancing like a “FOCKIN’ POFF”, or homosexual. Remember, whilst dancing, the mouth must be left open at all times. Biting the bottom lip while exposing the top teeth is optional.

    I am focking Janner burrds innit so don't take the pesh I smash yer face innit!

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:
    Dafuq? OP, can't you even copy and paste correctly?
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
     。。。

    Hahahahahaha... I dont see any mention about burning the witches?
  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:
    Wrong Plymouth, @DD.
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
     ...

    (continued) ... huh? Must be the flu ...

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