Discussion » Nonsense » Dando's Tales of Trollery

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    Consider the case of one Alexandyr the Alchemyst.

    Like one of our forum denizens, he's a complete tool. During the character creation process he treated Charisma as his dump stat and put the points into Favored Enemy: Dando.

    Before I continue, I realize that this is a strange stretch of the imagination for you non-gamers. And one gamer is probably thinking, "joder, favored enemy is a ranger talent, and Alexandyr only looks at pictures of books. How could he understand the complicated and esoteric tomes of alchemy?" What about the suspense of disbelief?

    Well, fuck you, @A Tofu. You just got eaten by a dragon, because I'm the goddamned Dungeon Master. (t)Roll again.

    Alexandyr is not the cool kind of alchemist from the Japanese cartoons. He's not even a hedge mage. He's a charlatan. A snake oil salesman, if you'll pardon the disorientalist term ("snake oil" refers to dismissive attitudes toward Chinese herbal medicine on the 19th century western American frontier). He just wanders from thread to thread trying to use his backstab ability on Dando, who always stays a step ahead of his ant agonist because his keen Elven senses can detect the racist, sexist, and homophobic mutterings which are the verbal components of all Alexandyr's abilities.

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    But I digress. Alexandyr is a boring and two-dimensional character. What's more interesting is his preferred implement, a -1 cursed dagger of profane fecundity, called "^", because that's about what it what it looks like when he pulls it out. By pushing a button on the hilt of the dagger, it dispenses a toxin that, in nine months, causes a ghoul with Alexandyr's face to burst from the abdomen of its victim. Ghouls are a drain on mana, XP, and gold resources until around level 20. For this reason, many people raise them as familiars, but this is costly and in most towns it typically requires the resources and supervision of two or more casters. Alexandyr may elect not to pay the mana and XP costs and relinquish control of the ghoul to the host, but this may result in a loss of Karma and payment of the gold may be required in stead.

    Ghouls are usually more trouble than they are worth. They can be exorcised while they are incubating, but some batshit crazy necro cults have persistent effects in place that will lead to Karma loss in some communities. Where available, this procedure should be paid for in gold by both the host-victim and the person responsible.

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    Creepy shit, huh? Because it's a form of necromancy, using the this feature of his knife puts him at risk of losing Karma if he doesn't contribute resources to the ghoul's growth. And because the activation button is located on the hilt, accidental injections are common. Sometimes, it triggers as he pulls it out.

    Simple, mundane, everyday, unenchanted safety sheathes that reliably prevent this from happening are sold at every apothecary in every town. These sheathes also prevent the stabbing victim from contracting diseases like crotch rot that one of Alexandyr's previous victims might have had. Alexandyr doesn't like using them, though, because he heard they fail sometimes.

    He could also go to any weaponsmith and have the enchantment deactivated. Alexandyr doesn't like that idea, either. It is very important to him that he not modify his -1 cursed dagger of profane fecundity in any way whatsoever and he insists that he should always keep this dreadful impregnation ability of his in reserve, just in case he ever feels like using it.

    It is a cursed knife, after all. These things have a way of convincing their owners that they are the best tool in the kit, even if they aren't. And although he professes no interest in necromancy, he insists on using the knife in PvP, although he usually just sits alone in his room, grinding it against a whetstone or testing its injection mechanism all over his stupid face. Fortunately, he is immune to the effect. The characters he PvPs with are not, except for the occasional furfag.

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    He insists that his PvP sparring partners in his clan purchase an antitoxin to protect him from Karma loss and resource sinks. This requires planning before an encounter. Some people are allergic, and the side effects include possible alterations to the character's ability scores which might not be advantageous, depending on their job and class. Also, it must be administered by a moderately high-level character who specializes in potion brewing. Safety sheathes are not entirely foolproof, requiring a DC 5 skill check to apply, but are available everywhere. Their popularity with low-level characters makes their effectiveness seem marginally lower than the antitoxin.

    There are, of course, no side effects to using a safety sheathe or disenchanting his needy needle. He just doesn't think it's his responsibility.

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    One day he's doing team PvP with Piotyr Steinbrother and Terra. He stabs Terra. He triggers his knife accidentally. Unknown to Alexandyr, Terra has always wanted a ghoul familiar, but she's too low level to pay the maintenance costs herself. If they aren't paid, the ghoul will get out of control and become a menace to the townspeople.

    If this were a functionalist fantasy, Alexandyr would be forced to contribute to that ghoul so that it might get upgraded at level 20, or take a Karma penalty. However, it's not, and Alexandyr is the type of cunt who would just ragequit and make a new account or move to a different server. It wouldn't be a big deal, but half of players on this server are alchemists, and they get access to the best quests and equipment.

    Thank Gandalf it's Friday. Ta~

  • Reply from 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹) is flagged as not relevant.

  • Reply from Sonja Lund is flagged as not relevant.

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    You mirin' my XP total, Brohamut?

  • Alex ^∞
    Alex ^∞ wrote:

    Oh Dando........~flutter~

    It's............ well...... enchanting.

    Don't know what to say... don't know what can be said.
    (But in a rare moment of pertinence, DD asked if gold exchanged hands for the writing of such a flattering and lovelorn ramble...I fear the answer is no, DD. This was purely a labour of love...which makes it all the more special.)

    What more can be said about unrequited love than what the great classicists have already given us? Forsooth, Dando has enlarged our understanding of such exquisite torture with his illuminated prose. (Cliffs Notes: Dando craves a stabbing from the 'dagger' (though it is in truth a sword) of profane fecundity, but alas, Alexandyr fears an irreversible sullying of his blade and dares not venture near such a foul and loathsome entity, knowing that even with unenchanted sheaths things can go awry, especially with creatures as noxious as The BW)

    As if any old troll/gnome professing undying love could feel the ecstasy of his blade...Alexandyr chooses his pray far more carefully than that.

    On another note...

    If anyone was in doubt as to how desperate and disconnected from reality the BW is, this thread beautifully illustrates it, in true d&d ultra-nerd life-fail style. Ide rather be on this board playing as Alex+ than playing as as 30 something +, jobless, classless, educationless gnome of a "man" who by all RL accounts is a sniveling, boring little squirt of creature, unable to hold a conversation or charm a female without the use of memes and an avatar to hide behind. Beyond sad. But then again...this is the true life of an internet troll. We all knew it all along.

  • Reply from Simen Wangberg is flagged as not relevant.

  • Alex ^∞
    Alex ^∞ wrote:

    Aww... its sweet that the unfunny oneliner 'socks' has chimed in to defend(?) Dando. Looks like theres part of a love triangle forming here... He must be a d&d player as well.

    Socks, teaching english or doing web editing from a filthy apartment doesn't count as a job. Thankfully, I dont spend anything like as much time on here as Dando. You might think im an ass, but I have my fanbase...and I bet its of a better quality than yours and BWs. Each to his own etc.

  • Reply from Simen Wangberg is flagged as not relevant.

  • Reply from Minger is flagged as not relevant.

  • Alex ^∞
    Alex ^∞ wrote:

    @Minger - Sure, I upset a beta, a gamma and a delta every know and then; but fellow alphas show me respect and good will, as I do them. Jealous and frustrated little turds such as yourself are bound to be successfully riled by what I say and by all the loving you're not getting. Erm...cry about it?

  • Alex ^∞
    Alex ^∞ wrote:

    @北川黑 - its unrequited love, hence the dramatics.

    Creepy shit, huh?

    Yes.

  • Reply from Simen Stensvoll is flagged as not relevant.

  • Reply from 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹) is flagged as not relevant.

  • Alex ^∞
    Alex ^∞ wrote:

    @MissKinfall:

    Dando trying hard to show his affection to Alex

    Yes.

    u two should be together

    NO.
    (plz look up "unrequited“).

  • Reply from Simen Stensvoll is flagged as not relevant.

  • Reply from 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹) is flagged as not relevant.

  • Alex ^∞
    Alex ^∞ wrote:

    u feel lonely without Dando!

    Dando feels lonely without me(!), hence his ode to 'Alexandyr'. The feeling is not reciprocated, however. Look at it this way, stallions are not lonely without horseflies.

  • Reply from Simen Stensvoll is flagged as not relevant.

  • Alex ^∞
    Alex ^∞ wrote:

    @ MissKinfall - 在这个情况下,你错。

    I think this thread makes a good candidate for inclusion in next year's Oxford and Merriam-Webster's dictionaries under "footbullet".

  • Reply from Minger is flagged as not relevant.

  • Reply from Simen Stensvoll is flagged as not relevant.

  • Reply from 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹) is flagged as not relevant.

  • Reply from Minger is flagged as not relevant.

  • Alex ^∞
    Alex ^∞ wrote:

    Minger actually wrote something funny and true! Not the "well read" part though.

  • Reply from Minger is flagged as not relevant.

  • Reply from 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹) is flagged as not relevant.

  • Reply from Minger is flagged as not relevant.

  • Reply from 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹) is flagged as not relevant.

  • Alex ^∞
    Alex ^∞ wrote:

    Alex, everything I write is funny to me, and I'm the one who counts. Do you think I do this to entertain someone else?

    that wasnt funny...and in that case why not just beat off?

    I'm using violent as an adjective to describe his feminism

    that was moderately funny.... but now youre stealing my bearded lesbo gags.

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    That is funny. And here I thought the only gags you ever made were when I shove my +5 holy avenger down your throat.

  • Alex ^∞
    Alex ^∞ wrote:

    ...but the thing is, in RL you don't shove anything down anyones throat except for your gender studies brainwashing.

    I'll indulge you momentarily, tell me, in your fantasy, what exactly is a "+5 holy avenger" ?
    The "5" refers to cm right?

  • Reply from Simen Stensvoll is flagged as not relevant.

  • Reply from Minger is flagged as not relevant.

  • Alex ^∞
    Alex ^∞ wrote:

    minger is in love with dando,dando adores Alex,Alex likes girls

    Im glad you understand, MissKinfall.....but, it's sort of tragic, isn't it?

    Alex, you didn't make up the bearded lesbian

    I coined the term though, and I'm glad you like it, thanks.

  • Reply from Virgil W is flagged as not relevant.

  • Reply from Undermoonlight is flagged as not relevant.

  • Reply from 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹) is flagged as not relevant.

Please login to post a reply to this thread.

WeLiveInBeijing

WeLiveInBeijing.com is a social community for people living in or traveling to Beijing.

Powered by: Bloc