Discussion » Film & TV » Greatest Stand-up Comedians

  • Rockstar Mooney
    Rockstar Mooney wrote:

    LAUGH and you will live longer. Is there anything better than Stand-up ? I think not.

    Here is a list of my favorite stand-ups of all time.If you really know what stand-up is,you will recognize most of the faces here.If you don't, your sense of humor sucks big ones! See their act, they are hysterical ..

    Feel free add your favorites and their quotes or videos.

    "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." Richard Pryor alt text

    "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." George Carlin alt text

    "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out." Bill Hicks alt text

    "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Woody Allen alt text

    "Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit."Bill Cosby alt text

    "Love is a promise delivered already broken." Steve Martin alt text

    “I don't think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.” Eddie Murphy alt text

    "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it." Rodney Dangerfield

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    "Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God." Lenny Bruce

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    "There's never going to be a chinese version of the YMCA" Russell Peters

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    "Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason." Robin Williams

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    “Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?” Don Rickles

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    "Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands." Jerry Lewis

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    "Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?" Steven Wright

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    "I just want real reactions. I want people to laugh from the gut, be sad from the gut-or get angry from the gut." Andy Kaufman

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    "A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it." Bob Hope

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    "Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row." Sam Kinison

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    "I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing." Sarah Silverman

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    "I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it." Dave Chappelle

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    "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is." Ellen DeGeneres

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    "Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest." Chris Rock

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    "What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks." Lewis Black

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    "African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, well stop clicking your fingers!" Jimmy Carr

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  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    The World's Best Stand-up Cup! (open only to Americans).

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    Dane Kook, Penis Leary, Ned Mencia

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    Maturew has confused American stand up comedy with the dick/fart jokes she typically hears echoing from the bathroom while two guys from Jersey congratulate one another during a shared bladder evacuation, otherwise known as "playing swords."

    It is easy to laugh, isn't it?

  • Tina
    Tina's猫 wrote:

    i will save this list definitely

  • Simen Wangberg

    You're not a person 'till you're in my fucking phone book.

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    @阿姆, I have never even seen Jim Carrey or Chris Tucker doing stand-up. They're far better as actors. That said, Dane Cook and Denis Leary are okay as actors, but as stand-up comedians they are complete shit.

    ...

    Methinks I shouldn't have misspelled the names of Dane Cook, Denis Leary, and Carlos Mencia. My troll balls are too small today. Anyhoo, mentioning those names in a thread about the "greatest stand-up comedians" ought to elicit rabid anger from anyone with sophisticated taste in stand-up.

    I've heard some really 'meh' stuff from Bill Hicks, but that doesn't mean he's overrated. I think the 'cult' is more or less attributed to the presence of his rant in Tool's Third Eye. And that gets us to the cult of Tool, which, for me, is not unlike the cult of Fight Club. I do so enjoy this band, but, as what should be expected from a band that blends the pretentiousness of progressive rock with the misanthropy of metal, their fans are total shitcocks.

    Man. The worst conversation I ever had while driving a cab came oddly enough from my boss, a piece of small-town white trash turned cocaine dealer whose "dad owns a car dealership," or at least fits the personality profile exceedingly well. He was a Tool fan. He complained that Aenima had a very unChristian message.

    Yes. That's the song about the Flood. It is probably the most Christian song they've ever written.

  • Father Of Boring

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    Emo Phillips

    Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

    Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the Devil. Other than that, though, it's been a good day.

    Well, my brother says "hello"! So, hooray for speech therapy.

    Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.

    My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading.

    So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

    When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

    I was in a bar a few nights ago, moving from stool to stool, trying to get lucky... But there was no gum under any of them.

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    Those were funny. Though Emo Philip's delivery is kind of disturbing.

  • Father Of Boring

    Regan: far more than you ever know, yes.

  • Mari Vidste
    Mari Vidste wrote:

    Owing to his habit of ending shows with serious 'meaning of life' sermons (and to his predictable leftardery), Bill Hicks was not the funniest, but he damn sure was the most interesting. Even among the above random excerpts, his stands out as the least cheap. Jokes fail because they are either cheap, obvious, or based on some cliche moral assumption.

    "Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings and lawyers." = Lawyer joke = cheap (Still, following my recent semi-systematic review of classic comedy videos, Pryor does belong on top. Funny by nature.)

    "Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity." = expositions of hypocrisy, though sometimes enlightening, are rarely funny. This joke, while obviously obvious, is also not funny because it is based on the cliche moral assumption that humans should not be hypocrites.

    "I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out." = This is funny because it (violating expectations) follows the basic rule of comedy to always agree with any negative characterization of oneself. By himself on stage, Hicks must both raise and agree with the self-insult. Clever.

    "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." = If you laugh at this, you are a loser and a dumbass. Woody Allen, despite the 'intellectual' milieu of many of his movies, was never very intelligent.

    "I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it." Rodney Dangerfield gets points for being so goddamn awkward and bizarre (I only know him from Caddyshack), but most of his jokes are just fucking stupid. I mean, why the fuck would it have an olive in it?

    I'll let you morons fill in the rest...

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    "I mean, why the fuck would it have an olive in it?"

    He's saying that he pees martini.

  • Mari Vidste
    Mari Vidste wrote:

    @Pomegranate,

    I know what he's saying. I refused to "get" it, which is my right as an asshole.

    @other dude,

    Spare us the sycophantic tl;dr Cliff's Notes summaries. It's more fun to tear shit down.

    As to Carlin, the fact that he looked like a sad old dirty hippie nobody is exactly the problem. A comedian must be capable of funny and endearing facial expressions. Aesthetics matters. In the case of Richard Pryor (and Rodney Dangerfield), he was just a funny-looking dude. Chris Rock, with his thin alien head, is also funny-looking. And then you look at George Carlin, and he's this disgusting cigarette-stained white dude with a voice full of gravel and lung cancer and even if he's going on quite humorously about death and depression, all I'm seeing is death and depression.

    And that ain't funny.

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