Discussion » Dating & Romance » Chinese girls, and finding the right one for me

  • Tahjay
    Tahjay wrote:
    <p>Hey everyone,</p> <p>After living here in Beijing for two years, I have come to the conclusion that in my eyes there are two types of Chinese women. &nbsp;Those who conform to or adopt western standards, and those that are very traditional. &nbsp;My findings are as follows....</p> <p>Chinese traditional girls: &nbsp;In my experience this is what I have noticed about them:</p> <p>1) that they usually haven't had the chance to travel outside of China or to the west,</p> <p>2) they have a rather limited English ability,</p> <p>3) a little shy and reserved, don't understand my sense of humor</p> <p>4) 打扮得很不起眼</p> <p>5) kind of bushy (指的是汗毛)</p> <p>6) Willing to acommodate me for my needs before hers</p> <p>7) very committed to the relationship and very unselfish</p> <p>8) Looking for some kind of 安全感</p> <p>9) Has a very close relationship with her family, sometimes dependant on them</p> <p>10) Usually in it for the long term from the start</p> <p>Here's what I have noticed about more westernized Chinese women:</p> <p>1) Less formal and more laid back when it comes to dating</p> <p>2) Not shy, outspoken, 思维方式比较开放</p> <p>3) Have a higher than average English ability</p> <p>4) More independant in her thinking, behavior, and career.</p> <p>5) Dresses better on average, and usually well groomed</p> <p>6) Has a little bit of an attitude and doesn't let me get away with being myself all of the time.</p> <p>7) Knows how to flirt, and if she wanted to could make me jealous</p> <p>8) Is only willing to put in as much and no more than I am putting into the relationship&nbsp;</p> <p>9) Has more friends and very popular amongst all crowds</p> <p>10) Doesn't want guys to hold her purse for her on the street</p> <p>So here is my dilema...When searching for a girlfriend I am like most guys, attracted to what catches my eye first. &nbsp;After getting to know a girl I then figure about the more important things like personality, language level, cultural differences, and expectations. &nbsp;I find it hard to date traditional Chinese girls because they may not be up to my western standards in terms of presentation and personality. &nbsp;I am very attracted to Westernized Chinese girls, but its hard for me to find one that is willing to 给我一点面子. &nbsp;I guess what I mean is they are not willing to speak Chinese to me. &nbsp;Example, I go up to a girl on the street and approach her with very standard Chinese to ask her about something very simple. &nbsp;She then replies with English and totally undermines what I'm trying to do. &nbsp;I'm not super selfish, but I would like to be with someone who can not only make me happy and satiisfied, but also someone who is willing to speak to me in Chinese even though she can speak English. &nbsp;</p> <p>If I could choose the perfect girl, it would be one that has an independant mind set, adaptable sense of humor, is outgoing, understands how to present herself in a very beautiful way, NOT willing to give into all of my demands, can challenge me in many ways, and willin
  • 申琪 Annie Shen

    i really dont know what to say.look like you ve done a lot work for chinese girls.

  • Simen Wangberg

    The vast majority of women that you'll meet in Beijing are actually probably a mix of those two stereotypes - which is exactly what they are, BTW. Cos everyone is a UNIQUE FLOWER. Nah, just playing.

    Dunno why you're so cranked up about the English-speaking chicks not wanting to speak Chinese with you. For they are probably thinking the opposite - "Why is this foreigner trying to speak Chinese with me? I just want to practice my English!"

  • Tahjay
    Tahjay wrote:

    入乡随俗 we are in China if we end up in America, there's not way I'll force her to speak Chinese with me.  Improving my Chinese is and will always be a major goal of mine, but if I can't use it with the girl I'm dating, I'll be forced to spend less time with her.  

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)

    ...

    Hahahaha ... Mr Tang does not seem to be a (complete) foreigner ... he knows Traditional Chinese ... so my guess might be Taiwan or Hong Kong ...

    Anyway ... Tang ... the type of girl you are targeting would mostly be someone who has lived or even grew up overseas, and can still speak Chinese ... over the years, I have noticed many ABC (Australian Born) or AGC (Australian Grown) Chinese, such as my cousins and a few other girls, would tend to speak English when they were young, and the started adopting Chinese when they started Uni or working ... but, the "crowd factor" is also important ...

    So ... maybe, target girls who returned from overseas?

  • Tahjay
    Tahjay wrote:

    我姓邓,名字叫邓伟升。来自美国,我是一个比较不常见的混血,爸爸是华人。也许我对我寻找的女朋友的要求太高了。谢谢你的鼓励

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)

    ...

    Hahahahaha ... if even I can find a wife ... you should not have much trouble ...

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    There are two types of people: those who dichotomize everything, and those who aren't total cunts.

  • Amalie Sæverud

    I can't find a boy friend, cause I can't find anyone can match my notorious sense of humer, no matter in English or Chinese! haha

  • Tahjay
    Tahjay wrote:

    however, answering in English is assuming I can't speak Chinese at a basic level, which I think is a little insulting.  I appreciate the fact that she may be trying to help, but in fact for me it is not helping at all.  If I wanted to I could approach her in English, but instead I choose Chinese for a reason.   

  • Tahjay
    Tahjay wrote:

    I could find a chinese tutor anywhere, my point is i dont want to have to sacrifice my goals of improving my chinese when we are together.  There are most definately ways to solve this, when we are alone only speak English, then when we are out together only speak Chinese...but the point is finding the kind of Chinese girl like that is a little difficult.  Like I said, maybe I'm 太挑剔了

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)

    ...

    (continued) ... I am fairly sure that most foreigners experienced this in the past, i.e. the foreigner spoke in Chinese, but got the reply in English ... my suggestion, smile, and politely ask the other person to speak in Chinese ... I am sure it will work :)

  • Tahjay
    Tahjay wrote:

    JZ, I don't think you get it.

    Let me ask the Chinese girls in the forum a question....

    If a foreign guy comes up to you speaking Chinese (fluently, but a little rough at times) how do you normally react?  Does it change your perception of him in anyway?  If he insisted that you guys use Chinese to communicate, would it turn you off?

  • Kevin Chen
    Kevin Chen wrote:

    你知道她们为什么对你说英语

    因为他们担心 你汉语不够好 怕对你说中文很麻烦 你也不明白

    他们对自己的英文 比 对你的中文有信心

    不过也不能怪你 因为毕竟中文很难

  • Kevin Chen
    Kevin Chen wrote:

    anyway i don`t think that two kind you wrote make any sens for me ...

    where you usually know girls? in a party? or by hanging out?

  • Tahjay
    Tahjay wrote:

    If i ask a girl randomly, what kind of ice cream flavor did you choose in chinese...where exactly is the language barrier, if she answers in English it shows she understood, plus its not like were talking politics and I have to default to my native language.  The girls I meet are everywhere, some out at a party, some at school, some in my neighborhood, at the supermarket, ect.  

  • Simen Wangberg

    "it seems highly immoral to allow any girl to invest her feelings in a relationship with you, when your purpose for choosing to be with her is to soak up her Chinese."

    The fact that I didn't pick up on that immediately makes me feel like an idiot. I grant you +1 interwebs, don't spend it all in one place.

    Sorry, Taidje Tang. Seems you're not any better than the chicks that get with foreign dudes just to practice their English.

    Also, if you're *really* having a hard time meeting Chinese women who want to speak Chinese with you, you're probably talking to the wrong ones anyway. Almost every Chinese girl I've had the pleasure to know would be delighted with the idea of having a Chinese-speaking foreign boyfriend.

  • Amalie Sæverud

    what if I want a Spanish/Frensh/Italian boyfriend, who want to speak Spanish/Frensh/Italian  with me all the time, despite the fact that we both know English and my Spanish is so limited as hell! maybe I'm too 挑剔了!  

    never speak Chinese with a Laowai, they will only make your Chinese worse! hahaha

  • Tina
    Tina's猫 wrote:

    trying to help but not helping at all,it happens too much ,maybe tell her to speak chinese to u only,u r more liki looking for language partner.

    @I can't find a boy friend, cause I can't find anyone can match my notorious sense of humer, no matter in English or Chinese! haha

    ur humor probaly scare the boy away before he tries to appreciate it,don't always scare a guy with a starting line of joke unlcess u mean to. 

    lower ur humor level then lolllllll

  • Tahjay
    Tahjay wrote:

    My man, Captain America...youre again missing the point.  I have plenty of friends to speak Chinese to.  If one of your highest priorities in life was to become a better chef, but because your girlfriend can already cook she doesn't ever let you cook for her, would you want to eat at home with her?  

    My point is that if I am going to have a girlfriend, I would like to her support me and all of my goals, one of which is improving my chinese.  If she can't understand that then I will spend my time in a environment where I can speak more Chinese.  It's that simple. 

  • Martin Svean
    Martin Svean wrote:

    there is not much worse that a girl who will mislead a foreign guy to believe she likes him when in fact all she wants is to improve her english. thats ok if she wants to give it up for that at least she has the opportunity to open her mouth ;)

  • Tahjay
    Tahjay wrote:

    After all of that reasoning all you fools are reading is the part about body hair, do you not see the major differences in thinking, attitude, and behavior?  It's not braodly catagorizing when in my experience this is a very noticable trend.  I never said all of them are like this, but I am saying in my experience this is what I have noticed. 

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)

    ...

    Hahahaha ... this site stuffed up my "ctrl F" in IE, so I cannot find where "body hair" is mentioned ... but anyway ...

    Tang ... I have checked your photos, and I think I could "pimp" for you, some of them are on-job Chinese teachers ... heehee ...

    ... for years, I had been told that my Mandarin is really bad, and every time I asked my wife to help me, she would "yes", and then she never actually corrected me, because she said it makes no difference to her whether I speak in English or Cantonese or Mandarin, and she could understand me just fine ...

    So ... if you want to meet a girl, have a relationship, while she can also help you to correct your Mandarin, that's fine, but you will need to specify it, and if she likes to help, then I am sure it will work ...

    ... as for the case where a stranger (female or otherwise) speaks to you in English when you spoke in Mandarin, it is also about communication, and I am sure some of them would like to help to correct your Chinese ...

    ... and for your comment of "I would like to her support me and all of my goals" ... I have been married for quite a while, so I think I have a little authority to say that it can never be "all" ... because sometimes, there can be conflicts, and then it also comes down to communication and compromise ...

    At the end ... the one million dollar question is whether you are willing to communicate, instead of expecting some random girl to know what you want?

  • Tahjay
    Tahjay wrote:

    I am not looking for a teacher, or anyone to correct my mistakes.  I am aware of them and I can correct them myself over time.  The point is 刀不磨要生锈,水不流要发臭。Your advice is not bad, and you have similar experience, thanks for your help. 

    I just think if she can't 给我点面子from time to time and willingly speak Chinese, I don't think I'm the one being selfish. 

     

    Anyways, I am taking part in a Chinese competition Championship tomorrow afternoon and it should be on TV.  If you want to check it out its 汉语之星。。。look for 邓伟升

  • Ms. Stephanie
    Ms. Stephanie wrote:

    oh well.... in this case, I'm traditional ...

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    *fart*

  • Ms. Stephanie
    Ms. Stephanie wrote:

    *scratching chin*... 

  • Ms. Stephanie
    Ms. Stephanie wrote:

    right... but here is always a Ms. Stephanie... haha

  • Daniel
    Daniel wrote:

    I don't know why I keep clicking on 'please give me advice on my crippling emotional insecurities' or 'Help! My jingoistic conception of the opposite sex isn't getting me laid.' threads, but here we are again. 

     

  • Tahjay
    Tahjay wrote:

    I wish getting laid was the problem...If that was ever a problem I could just call up your girlfriend and she would be in my apartment with no panties before I hung up the phone.  Instead what I'm looking for is some ones perspective on how to find the right kind of girl, how ever elusive the perfect girl for me may be. 

    I'd like to hear more female opionions....well, besides Daniels

  • Daniel
    Daniel wrote:

    I'm disappointed that you went the 'I'm so mad' route and stopped at calling me a girl and 'I'd have your girlfriend'. A bit more creativity, please? And as a rule,  my girlfriend doesn't go for small Asian-looking guys with illusions of entitlement. 

    Still, it's difficult to imagine that someone can be so oblivious to their own stupidity as to put it on a public forum, so I call troll. 

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    Fish, Hi. Despite your use of the TBJ acronym in an attempt to display some comparative knowledge of the board etiquette or lack therof on TheBeijinger.com, you seem to be in need of an introductory primer to these forums.

    You're welcome.

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    "It's something about being able to act without repercussions I suppose?"

    Many would consider that an advantage of the medium, Fish. Often, people are more sincere when they know there are diminished punitive consequences for speaking what's on their minds.

    Don't like it? Take out a pencil and a piece of paper and write a letter to the editor. Those old farts will appreciate your wistfulness for the days when people called one another sir and ma'am.

  • Daniel
    Daniel wrote:

    @Fish, 

     I find it hard to date traditional Chinese girls because they may not be up to my western standards in terms of presentation and personality

    Any post that has this level of prejudice and self-aggrandising is deserving of ridicule. And more than this, taking a post premised on this marginalising and chauvinistic view seriously and giving constructive criticism makes you at best naive  and at worst complicit in the dickery that inspired this thread. 

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)

    ...

    Hahahahaha ... Daniel ... again, this site stuffed up my "ctrl F", so I cannot "find" where and when Fish said something like that ... can anyone help please?

  • Daniel
    Daniel wrote:

    It's in the original post of this thread: Fish was asking why I brought negativity, so I quoted that part from the original post which seemed to me to be particularly offensive as a justification for the subsequent negativity. 

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    Presentation is everything

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)

    ...

    (continued) ... thanks, guess I will have to read through it then ... "ctrl F" would only cause a flick on my screen, but it simply wont work ... ahhhhh ...

  • Ms. Stephanie
    Ms. Stephanie wrote:

    I feel hungry .... 

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    Thanks. It felt good to write it.

  • Tahjay
    Tahjay wrote:

    Daniel, you go and quote me, then say I'm chauvinistic.  You're a Lit guy right?  Then why in the hell is your reading comprehension so shitty.  It's guys like you who turn people away from posting in the forum...who wants to add to the conversation if they have to first read some chumps 2 bit analysis that totally highjacks the topic.  You stop trying to 从鸡蛋挑骨头.  I didn't make fun of your girlfriend because I think I "can have her", no actually anyone can, you just pick up one of those cards outside your door that say 24小时上门服务。  

    As for anyone else dropping their two cents, you are welcome to let me have it...just make sure you read everything I write first.  If I'm chauvinistic then let a woman decide that for herself.  I'd actually appreciate it if some ladies would like to share their thoughts

  • Winnie
    Winnie wrote:

    Taidje, it's hard to ask for constructive advice here on WLIB, isnt it? I hate it whenever people turn a discussion into a smelly battlefield.

    i agree with most indicators you put up there to differentiate the two types. though, there are definitely not strict dichotomy I am sure u know that too.

    as for the language thing, aaaaah, hahahaha...my friend is moving to beijing, and first thing he told me is: u gotta speak chinese with us from now on. we'll see how that goes. i think it depends on the guy's chinese ability. if he's not up to the level to pick up the humor, then i'd get bored and switch back to english. if he does, i have no problem with that. but i have to say, if having a conversation becomes like work, i'd suggest a private tutor really. it's really upsetting to talk to a guy that doesnt get it, whether in english or chinese. i think i only have spoken chinese to two guys without feeling uncomfortable. both of them speak very good chinese.

    honestly, if you cant reach that level, i wouldnt suggest you to speak chinese ALL THE TIME with your gf. it's just unfair to her. maybe a mix would be good, for both of you.

    I see your dilemma, Taidje.  it's kind of like my dilemma with chinese/foreign guys. but i gotta tell you one thing, all the girls are looking for a sense of security in a relationship, if she's really into you, no matter traditional or westernized.

    for the hair thing, and things to wear..they can all change and easy to change too. so that shouldnt be a problem for ya. but a good conversation? if she doesnt understand foreign culture and you dont know much of chinese culture..oh boy, that's gonna be tough.

  • Winnie
    Winnie wrote:

    actually, real traditional chinese girls dont even date laowai..not at all

    so i guess whoever you meet are either westernized , or are interested in foreign culture. 

  • Tahjay
    Tahjay wrote:

    It may be a possiblity that my Chinese level isn't as high as a westernized Chinese girls, I admit my Chinese is far from perfect.  But if given the chance, I am very good and can communicate at a high level on various topics.  I just think when you start a relationship of any kind, you tend to develop a status quo, especially with languages, and early in a relationship, that status quo should be set.  Otherwise, it will be too easy to revert to English. 

     

    Anyways, I'm going to close this thread, thanks for understanding and sharing your ideas, I've already decided what must be done. 

  • Winnie
    Winnie wrote:

    hey, Lao Lee

    thanks for your compliment!

    i guess then we need a definition of traditonal chinese girls. somehow, in my definition, tradtional overlapps with close-minded. i said overlappes. they tend to hold on to the tradition values in China especially when foreign culture comes in the presence in their life.

    it's kinda like this orthodox jewish community i live in. those ppl wear that little hats, married women shave their head and wear a wig. they confine themselves to all the tradtional customs,and they do not open up to other cultures. they are very isolated from the rest of their city. thats traditional. ok, i admit that's one extreme. but you see what i mean. if a "traditional" chinese girl adapts to the western culture, i wonder if she can still be called traditional.

    one last thing, Taidje, i think if you meet the right girl, language and all may not seem to be that much an important issue. it'd all just work out. good luck:)

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