Discussion » Nonsense » 俄罗斯笑话

  • 阿姆
    阿姆 wrote:
    <p>Hi everyone, just practicing my chinese, I know its shit, but hope you like the joke:<br /><br />1943年俄罗斯将军在河边钓鱼,突然钓了一个可以许愿的金鱼。<br />金鱼:&ldquo;好将军,我可以实现你的3个愿望&rdquo;<br />将军说:&ldquo;那金鱼你知道现在俄罗斯很乱,到处大战,到处死人,所以第一个愿望我只要任何人拿枪打我,就打不死&rdquo;<br />金鱼琢磨琢磨以后说:&ldquo;可以了, 没问题将军&rdquo;<br />将军非常高兴说:&ldquo;那第二个愿望我要任何人拿剑砍我,就砍不死我&rdquo;。<br />金鱼: &ldquo;OK啦,你现在只有最后一个愿望,好好想想&rdquo;<br />将军到处看了看以后,看见河边有一只牛,于是他悄悄的跟鱼说:&ldquo;那第三个愿望我要我的那个...那个东西...就跟那牛一样大!咯咯咯&rdquo;<br />金鱼说:&ldquo;行!那你就所有的愿望用完了我就走啦&rdquo;。<br />将军特high!马上就跑回基地, 跟士兵们讲好事儿!<br />将军:&ldquo;兄弟们我刚钓了一个可以许愿的金鱼&rdquo;<br />士兵们:&ldquo;哇将军太强了,不愧是我们的将军!那第一个愿望是啥?&rdquo;<br />将军:&ldquo;你~!拿你的枪!逼我~!&rdquo;<br />士兵:&ldquo;哎哟将军不敢不敢,哪儿行啊~!<br />将军:&rdquo;我让你逼我~!立刻马上~!&rdquo;<br />士兵闭着眼睛打了一枪:&ldquo;哇塞果然没事儿! 将军太强了,太厉害了!那么将军第二个愿望呢?&rdquo;<br />将军:&ldquo;好~!你!拿你的剑砍我&rdquo;<br />士兵犹豫了一会儿,但后来闭着双眼,把将军砍了一刀。剑短了两半:<br />&ldquo;哇将军太厉害了~!那最后一个愿望呢?&rdquo;<br />将军坏笑,把裤子刚脱下,士兵们:&ldquo;哇操,将军!真的是一个牛~逼~嘞!&rdquo;</p>
  • Stine Ekren
    Stine Ekren wrote:

    呵呵~

  • kö
    wrote:
    对不起 我的笑点 有点高
  • Minger
    Minger wrote:

    牛逼!

    第二個搞笑么?

  • Sylvia Zhang
    Sylvia Zhang wrote:

    第一个有点傻 第二个有点冷。。

  • Minger
    Minger wrote:

    哈哈哈哈哈

  • ❤Pinkbubble❤

    完全没笑

  • Minger
    Minger wrote:

    不是……就是Ms. Stephanie才懂咱們的幽默感。

  • Xiaodian
    Xiaodian wrote:

    :)。。。

  • Minger
    Minger wrote:

    阿姆雷特, 她懂什么是“酸奶”, 但是他不觉得你幽默……

  • Minger
    Minger wrote:

    没关系,房内证我还是觉得你挺幽默。

  • Minger
    Minger wrote:

    These racist jokes are intended in good spirit. Don't read them if you don't have a sense of humor.

    ----
    A U.S. Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week's liberty.The first evening, the Captain was more than a little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:

    "Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's, coming of age party. I would like you to send four well mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No, Mexicans. We don't like Mexicans."

    Sure enough, at 8 p.m. on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door. She opened the door to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling black officers. Her jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake!"

    "On no, madam," said the first officer, "Captain Martinez doesn't make mistakes."
    ----

    Sandbox Humor
    First-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. Teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?"

    Sarah says, "I played in the sand box."

    Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

    She does and gets a cookie. Teacher asks Morris what he did at recess.

    Morris says, "I played with Sarah in the sand box."

    Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie."

    Morris does, and gets a cookie. Teacher then asks Mustaffa Abdul Machmoud what he did at recess.

    He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Morris, but they threw rocks at me."

    Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."
    ----

    This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"
    ----

    Q: What do you call a black man with 100 white guys chasing after him?

    A: Tiger Woods.

    我有點懶得翻譯。

  • Minger
    Minger wrote:

    阿姆雷特同志的笑話值得翻譯。

  • Minger
    Minger wrote:

    哈哈哈哈哈哈哈哈

  • G
    G wrote:

    啊哈哈哈哈哈~~~~

  • Ms. Stephanie
    Ms. Stephanie wrote:

    "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'" OH Lord.... Shame on WENDY...

    My colleague just told me this one in Chinese version several days ago...

    Mo Ming, I like dirty jokes...  讨厌~ ^_____^

  • Da Fan
    Da Fan wrote:

    我还是更喜欢“前苏联笑话”:

    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    一个美国人和一个苏联人被判下地狱。恶魔告诉他们:“你们有两个选择:美国式和苏联式的地狱。在美国式的地狱中,你们什么都可以做,但是每天早上必须吃一桶屎。而在苏联式的地狱中,也可以想干什么就干什么,不过每天早上得吃两桶屎。”
    美国佬马上选了美国式的地狱。而苏联人则最终选择了自己的祖国。一周后他们又相遇了,苏联人问:“你那如何?”
    美国人回答:“确实如恶魔说的那样。我的地狱还不错。就是每天一桶屎简直要我命。你那呢?”
    “差不多和你那一样。就是搞不清楚我们那是屎尿遇见了短缺还是有人把桶都偷跑啦”


    大西洋上某处,苏联和美国核潜艇碰巧在一处上浮出水。苏联潜艇不仅老而且满是锈斑,美国的不仅新而且干净。苏联潜艇的船员在甲板上没秩序地站着队,半醉的舰长生气地吼道:“谁把靴子扔到控制台上去啦?我再问一遍:谁他妈地把靴子扔到控制台上去啦?”
    刚好美国潜艇甲板上的舰长听见了,与苏联舰长相比,他不仅刮了胡子而且精神抖擞。而他的手下更是秩序井然。显然他很自豪。他说:“您知道,在我们美国——”
    苏联舰长打断他:“再没什么美国啦!我再问一遍:谁他妈把靴子扔控制台上去啦!”


    一个真正的共产党员死了。由于他是无神论者却又十分诚实,他被判每隔一年就在地狱和天堂间轮转。第一年他呆在地狱,一年后撒坦对上帝说:“你快把他带走吧。我得恢复秩序。他快把地狱里的小鬼们都发展成少先队啦。”又一年过去了,撒坦找到上帝说:“神啊,又轮到他到我那去了”
    上帝回答道:“首先,不要叫我神,你应该称呼我同志。其次,这里没有上帝。最后,别耽搁我的工夫,我赶着去参加党代会”


    Igor为了买肉已经排了五个小时长队,他终于开始抓狂,上串下跳地吼叫着:“我再也受不了啦!社会主义糟透啦!整个国家已经腐败透顶啦!”过了几分钟,一个看起来十分冷酷的KGB抓住他,慢慢地摇晃着他的脑袋,然后拿手指在他额头上比了比,最后不出一声地走掉了。
    居丧的IGOR回到家,老婆问:“肉呢?又卖完啦?”



    “报纸和电视,哪个更有用?”
    “当然是报纸。你不可能用电视给食物打包吧?”


    对苏联知识分子来说有五个规则:
    什么都别去思考;
    如果你一定要思考,不要说出来;
    如果你又要思考又要说,那就别写出来;
    如果你又思考又说还写,那么别签名;
    如果以上规则你都不遵守,那你就别感到吃惊


    斯大林在办公室发现了老鼠。他跟KALININ省主席抱怨这事,后者想了一会说:“你干嘛不立个牌子上面写着:‘集体农庄’?这样一半老鼠会饿死,另一半则会跑掉”



    娃娃:完美的共产主义是什么样子的?
    爸爸:每个人都可以得到自己想要的
    娃娃:那如果肉类短缺怎么办?
    爸爸:那样的话屠户的店前会挂个牌子:“今天没人想买肉”



    一个年轻的东德共产党员向他的首长提出了一个请求:他想得到移民西德的许可
    “为什么你竟然会想离开社会主义天堂,小同志?”
    “首长,我有一个主要的原因和一个次要的原因。次要原因是我知道我们党已经在民主德国建立了一个天堂,而我害怕这个天堂不能延续很久”
    “别担心!孩子,这里将永远是天堂”
    “那,好吧,首长,这就是我说的主要原因了”



    Ivanov入党。这以前他必须经过党委会面试
    “IVANOV同志,你抽烟吗?”
    “时不时抽一些”
    “你知道列宁同志不抽

  • Da Fan
    Da Fan wrote:

    1 克里姆林宫,勃列日涅夫拿起通往埃及总统府的电话:“我是勃列日涅夫,我要和萨达特总统的遗孀讲话!”
    “遗孀? 萨达特总统可一直都活着呀?”电话另一端传来惊讶的声音。
    老勃放下电话,冲身旁的克格勃头子大喊:“混蛋!为什么把原订的行动时间推迟了?”

    2 亞美尼亞電台播放著機智問答說:

    「雞和蛋哪一個先有?」

    解答者在一旁暗暗地答道:「從前兩者都有。」

    3 赫鲁晓夫在苏共二十大揭露斯大林的暴行时,台下有人递条子上去。
    赫鲁晓夫当场宣读了条子的内容:“赫鲁晓夫同志,当时你在干什么?”。
    然后问道:“这是谁写的,请站出来!”。
    连问三次,台下一直没有人站出来。
    于是赫鲁晓夫说:“现在让我来回答你吧,当时我就坐在你的位置上。” (这个很可能是真实的)

    4 共产主义是科学还是艺术?

    当然是艺术,如果是科学就应该先用小白鼠做实验。


    5 苏联特工对美国特工夸口道:“我们知道你们国家所有核导弹发射井的位置。”

    美国特工说:“那又有什么,我们知道你们未来20年全体政治局委员名单。”

    6 你为什么坐牢?

    我反对伊万诺维奇。

    你又为什么坐牢?

    我支持伊万诺维奇。

    你呢?

    我就是伊万诺维奇。

    7 亚当和夏娃是哪国人?

    他们没衣服穿,分享一只苹果,还觉得自己活在天堂里,当然是苏联人。

    8 列宁快去世了,叫赶快把继承人斯大林召进克里姆林宫来,临终有几句话要嘱托。“不瞒你说,我还有一个隐忧啊,斯大林。”

    “说吧,亲爱的伊里奇。”斯大林专心地听着。

    “ 那就是,人们会跟你走吗?不知你想过了没有?”

    “他们一定会跟我走的。”斯大林强调说,“一定会!”

    “但愿如此。”列宁说,“我只是担心,万一他们不跟你走,你怎么办?”

    “没问题!”斯大林答道:“那他们就得跟你走!” (这个自然是假的)

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