Discussion » Nonsense » Straight Jokes

  • Pavoir Sponse
    Pavoir Sponse wrote:

    - These tend to confuse more than amuse...

    Knock, knock.
    Who's there?
    The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been
    killed.

  • Pavoir Sponse
    Pavoir Sponse wrote:

    A man walks into a pub.
    He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.

  • Pavoir Sponse
    Pavoir Sponse wrote:

    Why do women fake orgasms?
    Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    Why did the farmer change jobs to become a motorcycle stuntman?

    Because the agricultural sector had been in serious decline for more than fifteen years.

  • Pavoir Sponse
    Pavoir Sponse wrote:

    Nice Pom.

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?
    Being raped.

  • Christopher Dame

     @Carlos Jajaja funny.

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    What did Coco the Clown do on his parents' silver wedding anniversary?

    Put flowers on both of their graves.

  • Pavoir Sponse
    Pavoir Sponse wrote:

    Two men are sitting in a pub.
    One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
    coming in and out of your wife's house.'
    The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
    drug habit.'

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    What's brown and sticky?

    Shit.

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    What do you call a deer with no eyes?

    - A blind deer.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

    - An easy lay.

  • Pavoir Sponse
    Pavoir Sponse wrote:

    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
    Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
    pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest

  • Pavoir Sponse
    Pavoir Sponse wrote:

    Why do undertakers wear ties?
    Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
    appearance has a degree of gravitas.

  • Christopher Dame

    Wanna hear a dirty joke?
    boy fell in the mud
    wanna hear a clean joke?
    the boy had a bath
    wanna hear a cleaner joke?
    the boy had the bath with bubbles
    wanna hear a dirty joke?
    bubbles was the guy next door

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    What's the difference between a porcupine and a Ferrari?

    One has pricks on the outside and the other is a well-known type of Italian sports car.

     

  • Pavoir Sponse
    Pavoir Sponse wrote:

    Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
    She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
    low self-esteem.

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    Hi ladies and germs. So I just flew in from Shanghai ... and boy has the domestic aviation industry experienced significant growth within the last decade.

  • Pavoir Sponse
    Pavoir Sponse wrote:

     

    Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.
    Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk properly
    again.

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    I say I say, my dog has no nose!

    - That's right. I snuck into your garden this morning and cut it off with a scalpel.

  • Minger
    Minger wrote:

    Very well done boys, I'm afraid I've nothing to add, but keep 'em coming.

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    I say I say, my wife is going to the West Indies.

    - Jamaica?

    I did actually. I force her to be a drug mule to pay for my gambling addiction.

     

  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:

    who's that really hansom guy over there ?

    -oh, that's Pete. 

    He's so hansom.

    -I know.

  • Joakim Berg Solum

    What do you get when you cross a chicken with a transsexual?

    I don't know, but it would certainly be an amazing contribution to the field of genetics.

  • Pavoir Sponse
    Pavoir Sponse wrote:

    -------------------------------------------------------------------
    Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
    and runs away. One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders
    off.

  • Pavoir Sponse
    Pavoir Sponse wrote:

    What do you call a cat with no tail?
    A Manx cat.

  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:
    A man, in mid-conversation, walks into a door by accident and bangs his head quite badly on the corner. Everybody laughs. He has to leave and go see the nurse urgently.
  • 巴尔克
    巴尔克 wrote:

     A MAN PASSING A BEGGAR WHO IS SITTING ON THE STREET.

     BEGGAR : FOR GOD SAKE GIVE ME SOMETHING .

     MAN: OK HAVE A BACK SEAT ON MY CYCLE I GIVE U RIDE.

  • 巴尔克
    巴尔克 wrote:

    Nurse came out with a newborn kid 

    james rushed to her & after seeing the kid he shouted

    wow it's a boy..

    she slapped him and says leave my finger .u fool it's a grl

  • Peter Baird
    Peter Baird wrote:

    Why didn't the little girl get out of bed?

    Because she was dead.

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    Why did the attractive Chinese graduate get double-eyelid surgery?

    So she could obtain a low-level office job at a national company, work the next ten years of her life without being able to afford an apartment and eventually marry in desperation her father's 50-year-old business partner - a squat man with halitosis and a beer belly.

    B-bom TISH!

     

  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:
    why did the cowboy put down his guns, unclip his holster, and take his jeans off ? He had a cockroach in this underpants and it was trying to enter his rectum
  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:
    yeah, that one is pure
  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    Why did the French man shout at his wife?

    - She had just miscarried.

  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:
    What do you call the man that drives the big, long car ? - The bus driver
  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    What did Coco the Clown do after he won 2 million pounds on the national lottery?

    He paid off his mortgage and all other major debts, took maximum advantage of tax-free savings with an ISA and put most of the remainder into fixed-interest investment bonds.

    Roffle...

     

  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:
    nice one pomegranate ! anyone know why my formatting is not working ? ie losing the spaces in the text when i post it.
  • Petter Meisfjordskar
    10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
  • Pete DeMola
    Pete DeMola wrote:

     

    “The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done,'"George Carlin

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    Why did the French man kill ten babies with a pitchfork?

    - He already had the pitchfork with him when he came across the babies.

  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:
    why was the accountant afraid of overcast days ? - because when it was overcast he would push people into a fire he had built
  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:
    there's been some great efforts. i'm really enjoying the pitchfork one too. he was gonna kill the babies anyway ! genius. great idea for a thread
  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    Thanks Iain, but I think your "man walks into a door" humdinger was superior.

    The choice of present tense made it almost Nabokovian. And the denoument was delightful.

     

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    How about this:

    Q: Why did Coco the Clown set up an account on Weliveinbeijing.com?

    A: ?

  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:
    haha, cheers, that one felt good on delivery. i do enjoy the present tense, although most old joke structures don't use it.
  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    Why is the French man raping his neighbour's sister?

    - Because his own sister is now away on holiday.

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    Takes practice, I guess :(

  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:
    A: Because his afternoon massage appointment was cancelled
  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:

    haha it's good

  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:
    Bob is always confused so he bought an Iphone. - Bob is still confused
  • Hanne Jensen
    Hanne Jensen wrote:

    haha... only guys are making contribution here... whats the matter with girls on this site, perhaps don't have any sense of humor, but, most of them claim that they like something FUNNY... 

    BUT

    If someone discuss about SEX or something like that then .. you guys know well... ;)

  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:
    Peter's 'she was dead' one gets better and better
  • A豆腐
    A豆腐 wrote:

    what is the best in a dead woman??

    a dead woman never said no

     

    (but remember: be necrophilic is bad)

     

  • A豆腐
    A豆腐 wrote:


    mum, is the grandmother mechanic?

    no son,

    then, what is she doing under that truck?

  • Simen Wangberg

    A pickle walks into a bar and orders a beer.

    The bartender goes "Holy shit! A talking pickle!"

    HARHAR

    A blonde walks into a casting agency. Two years later, she's found curled up naked in the fetal position in an alley, twitching and muttering from methamphetamine withdrawal, the last legacy of her brief career in the porn industry.

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    My dad walks into a bar and orders a pint of beer. The barman says "You do realise that it's 11.30 in the morning?" My dad says "I know."

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    I am tempted to simply post a litany of dead baby jokes.

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    How did Dando's sister stop her baby from crying?

    - She waited until it was struck by cot death.

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    F*cking hell, can you IMAGINE how bad it would be if something like that really had  happened to his sister??

    This is why I never get asked to do wedding speeches.

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    My sister died from crib death. At a wedding. You FUCKER.

  • pommie
    pommie wrote:

    No, when she saw your mother in the white dress she died from laughing ;p

  • 哎呀
    哎呀 wrote:

    Being lost is not terrible in China, because Chinese are not sure where they will go either.

  • Erik Røger
    Erik Røger wrote:

    What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?

  • Erik Røger
    Erik Røger wrote:

     Good morning, ladies hahaha

  • Erik Røger
    Erik Røger wrote:

    Haha Maria that made me chuckle good one!

  • Peter Baird
    Peter Baird wrote:

    Why did the Polish guy hang himself?

    It was his only viable option after murdering his wife and two children.

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    What did the leper say to the whore?

    I'm slowly dying from a disfiguring and socially stigmatic disease. Please give me a pity fuck.

  • Morag
    Morag wrote:

    Child: Mummy, mummy, I don't like Daddy!

    Mummy: Just leave him to the side of the plate then dear.

  • Peter Baird
    Peter Baird wrote:

    A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor, doctor, I have a terrible stomach ache". The doctor examines him and says "Here's your problem. You have an advanced case of stomach cancer and will be dead in six months". 

  • A豆腐
    A豆腐 wrote:

    Mum, why we celebrate this year xmas in march?
    son, because doctors have said that you will die before december

     

    what animal has two legs and bleed?
    the half-dog

     

    Two old friends meet after long time:
    -Do you know that i have a son in the faculty of medicine?
    -really?... in which course?
    -in a botle

     

    - Mom, can I rock to Grandpa?
    - Not until we know who hanged him.

     

     

     

     

  • Åse Marie Strand

    A man walks into a bar.  Ouch.

    ___________________________

    One night the friends of a 23-year-old virgin decide that it's high time to get their friend laid.  They order him a modestly priced call girl and rent him a hotel room.  He is super excited and shows up to the room prepared with condoms and moist towelettes.  The call girl assures him that she will take care of him: "Don't worry, I know you're a virgin, but I am experienced.  I am going to give you a night you will never forget".

    She gets on top of him and starts riding him but it hurts.  He stops her and asks her if there is something wrong and tells her it hurts.  She responds, "I'll be right back" and walks into the bathroom.

    After 5 minutes, she returns from the bathroom and begins to ride him again.  They have amazing sex all night and at the end of the night, he looks at her curiously: "So, what was the difference there?  What did you go and do in the bathroom?" to which she replies: "Sorry I forgot, I had to go in there and pick clean the scabs."

    ___________________________________________________

    On the night of his wedding, a virgin is in bed with his new bride.  He has never rounded past second base because as a child his mother told him: "don't go sticking your pecker into a woman, they have teeth down there and it will get bite clean off."  As his new wife pressures him to have sex with her, he adamantly refuses: "I know you've got teeth down there," he says.  "No teeth, I promise," she retorts.  "Here, take this flashlight and go down there and see for yourself."

    The man takes the flashlight, turns it on, and dives under the covers.  He opens her legs and probes around for a bit before emerging from the covers.  "Well?" she asks.  "You weren't lying," He responds, "I didn't find any teeth, but your gums are horrible.

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:

    *uncrosses, then crosses legs*

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