Discussion » Dating & Romance » I'm 26, and I've never been in love

  • Monica Tan
    Monica Tan wrote:
    The title says it all. There's no explanation for it. I'm pretty damn sociable, I have no problem making friends, but for some inexplicable reason when it comes to falling in love or even having a serious relationship ... well it just hasn't happened.

    And at 26, it's starting to get a little WEIRD.

    Guess I'm starting this thread for two reasons.
    1. Would love to hear from anyone with a similar tale of woe
    2. Wanna go on a date? Ha! No for reals. Drop me a line and introduce yourself.

    OK, that's it.
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    Who needs a date when you have 50 million stuffed animals?
  • くり
    くり wrote:
    well, a date is a date...isnt
  • Undermoonlight
    ...probably you will get married in the near future, but persons like you will never have the kind of real, passionate love...seriously, i'm not here to hurt you...with your appearance and sociability...how can i put it...you are just not the chosen persons...and also, actually having real, passionate love might not be a good thing for you----because deep in your heart, you don't like that kind of thrill...ah, yes, it's personality that decides whether one will have a real love or not...
  • Monica Tan
    Monica Tan wrote:
    Dude, that does hurt. But I think you're wrong.
  • Winnie
    Winnie wrote:
    I dont think it's that weird. it takes some ppl longer time just.
    i have been in and out of love. relationships are just ma fan sometimes.
    but i still believe, with the right person, things will fall into places and u'll just know.
    so now, single and live my free life to the full extend is all that i do...it sucks sometimes, but dont let that bring you down. Just find the right things to pick you up and you'll be happily single:)
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    As much as I usually disagree with Undermoonlight, I think he might have a point.

    You are a woman, so naturally that means you have to turn down men almost on a daily basis. You must have been on dates or in at least non-serious short term relationships before. What is the problem? A lack of feeling? Are you protecting yourself from pain by discrediting boys before they even have a chance to get close? Do you just find relationships boring?

    I like how UML phrases it... "that kind of thrill." It's a feeling that most people are familiar with and that many people get addicted to in certain ways, but like all other thrills (speed, danger, adrenaline, etc), not everyone likes it and some people react negatively instead of positively.

    Although I do feel for you. Your request for a date is going to be met with like 50 replies from guys who say "hello, so glad to be your friend, hope we can meet soon," 15 guys who send you a summary of their resume, 5 guys who just want to fuck, and maybe 2 people who you might actually want to date... but by that time you'll be so sick of the other 70 guys that you've just started to delete all your messages.
  • Daniel
    Daniel wrote:
    Yeah, you'll probably get a lot of replies from this thread, but my advice would be meet as many as you can for coffee, instead of becoming disillusioned with so many guys wanting no-strings sex. I think one hour over coffee is enough to tell what sort of person you've met and, at worst, you'll get a free coffee out of the whole thing and at best you'll find someone special!
  • くり
    くり wrote:
    anyway Monica, define what does it mean to be in love.Many people got a distorced idea of what it means being in love, an idea which many times has just been shaped by tv and love dramas.
    Love has many aspects ;)
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    Hahahaha ... so BTD's thread is a ....

    Monica ... when you said that you have never been in love, did you mean that you have never been attracted to anyone at all? I dont think that would be possible ...

    As for the "never been in love" part, just from personal experience, I did not see a problem here, but like Daniel said, dont wait for things to happen, get out more, and make things happen, you'd never know what is happening ... "around the corner" (copied from the other thread) ...

  • Mohammed Abdi
    Mohammed Abdi wrote:
    Monica, u want a date or love?
    different color of horses....
  • Malin Aaker
    Malin Aaker wrote:
    Shit, I'm 26 too....
  • pommie
    pommie wrote:
    I met Monica Tan on a night out in Beijing. She told me she’d never been in love.

    That evening we went back to her place. Her bedroom was filled with stuffed toys – teddy bears, bunnies, birdies. I decided to show her what real love is. I used every trick in the book – real Karma Sutra stuff. I used every position, I tickled every erogenous zone, I gave her hours of the best loving I could – all with those hundreds of stuffed toys staring down on us.

    Afterwards I was exhausted. I lit a cigarette and asked with confidence “Well, how was it?” She paused thoughtfully then pointed to a shelf full of her toys. “You can have anything from the top row.”
  • Simen Stensvoll
    im 27..
  • Åshild Camilla Lande Berge
    OMG, Pomegranate, are you being serious? !
  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:
    That's pretty fucking cool, actually. No sense in grieving when you're bereft of illusions.

    I'm so goddamned hip and ironic that I only ever fall head over heels in love with girls who confide that they don't even believe in the concept, at least in any traditional way. I suppose it comes from having known too many self-destructive romantics. Seriously. I run like hell if I get the idea that a girl is starting to depend on me. And I can't respect a woman who judges herself based on her relationship to a man.

    Anyway, ditto on what Daniel said.

    And if you can't love on an emotional level, then learn to love on an intellectual level. Shag 'cuz it feels good or get married with a similarly coolheaded dude and reap the mutual benefits of cohabitation.
  • Simen Stensvoll
    Good comment, Dando Z 单独子!
  • Morag
    Morag wrote:
    Monica - me too. I'm 25. Same story. And i don't think it's because i 'don't like that kind of thrill', I think I'm perfectly open to 'that kind of thrill'. I guess it just hasn't happened yet.

    Not sure it's a good idea to admit to on this site, but hey...

    Somtimes I do worry that maybe I'm psychologically wired to not fall in love or something. And sometimes I just enjoy being single and it doesn't bother me.

    Anyway,
    "And if you can't love on an emotional level, then learn to love on an intellectual level. Shag 'cuz it feels good or get married with a similarly coolheaded dude and reap the mutual benefits of cohabitation."

    I like this advice :)
  • pommie
    pommie wrote:
    Nicky: No. It's a Mike Reid joke.

    You can watch his comedy on YouTube but it's pretty rude. Some of his jokes would make a Beijing taxi driver blush.
  • A豆腐
    A豆腐 wrote:
    We learn to love, we don´t born with this ability, babies and little kids don´t love their parents, still they are in egoist stage, their relations with the environment are mediated by the most basic interests (pleasure, food, affection).
    words like -dad- or -mum- are only the sounds for call the providers of food affect. In fact change the persons that give the food to the baby, and the baby will begin to use -dad- and -mum- for call them.

    So We learn to love.... but the problem is also that in this proccess of learning with each bad experience, we close in ourself more and more, we return to the egoism stage, emotional scars become in problems of confidence with the other person in a relation, our memories of bad experiences do that we don´t give all in a relation. In fact the most of the time, we are checking the other person looking deffects, in a state of caution....
    the common solution for this?? begin to understand the relations like temporal contracts, create a net of friends, with superficial conections, then you will not suffer if one of these relations break up. If one conection falls, you can change easily. We can use webpages like this, for have a lot of potentials ¨friends¨, spend the time with them, kill the the feelings of boredom and loneliness, but all of this is a relief, not a cure.
    be sociable in this case, don´t say nothing, the question is: how many real friends you have? can you have a close relation?



  • Minger
    Minger wrote:
    Nicky, maybe you're a lesbian.

    Love is just relationship stupidity anyway. You'll be much more successful if you calculate which husband to sell yourself to based on his income, connections, presumed future opportunities, sexual compatibility, conversational aptitude, and cooking skills.

    Letting an irrational emotional attachment love decide your fate is what leads high-school girls to have babies with guys who never graduate from school and end up working as civil servants.
  • A豆腐
    A豆腐 wrote:
    -¨You'll be much more successful if you calculate which husband to sell yourself to based on his income, connections, presumed future opportunities, sexual compatibility, conversational aptitude, and cooking skills.¨-

    sounds like a decaffeinated coffee :P
  • R-R
    R-R wrote:
    Ur not the only one there,I have a few classmates like that.
  • Undermoonlight
    ...Hey, people, the definition of love?...to live with a cool-headed guy and reap the mutual benefits of cohabitation?...yes, this is actually what i referred to as she "getting married in the near future"...and probably, the guy whom she will live with is introduced by her relatives or even parents----such kind of things happen a lot in China...But, what is love?...
  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:
    I think an already close friend or companion would be better than someone your parents picked out.
  • Monica Tan
    Monica Tan wrote:
    [Jon Gu: You are a woman, so naturally that means you have to turn down men almost on a daily basis. You must have been on dates or in at least non-serious short term relationships before. What is the problem? A lack of feeling? Are you protecting yourself from pain by discrediting boys before they even have a chance to get close? Do you just find relationships boring?]

    That's not actually true. I rarely get asked out, guys rarely ask for my number, or call if they get it. This is despite the fact that as I've said, I'm super sociable, and friendly. I've hardly been on any dates (I think the last one was as a teenager) and not even short-term relationships.
  • Monica Tan
    Monica Tan wrote:
    [Jon Gu: Although I do feel for you. Your request for a date is going to be met with like 50 replies ...]

    Again not true, I could count the number of replies on one hand!
  • Monica Tan
    Monica Tan wrote:
    [叮噹叔叔: Monica ... when you said that you have never been in love, did you mean that you have never been attracted to anyone at all? I dont think that would be possible ...

    As for the "never been in love" part, just from personal experience, I did not see a problem here, but like Daniel said, dont wait for things to happen, get out more, and make things happen, you'd never know what is happening ... "around the corner" (copied from the other thread) ...]

    Of course I've been attracted to people. I somehow manage to kiss a guy about once a year, and I've had some crazy-ass crushes, that amounted to nothing. And I definitely don't need to get out more - I get out and about a lot! - but yeah, I guess it's just wait and see. As always.
  • Monica Tan
    Monica Tan wrote:
    [Dando Z: And if you can't love on an emotional level, then learn to love on an intellectual level. Shag 'cuz it feels good or get married with a similarly coolheaded dude and reap the mutual benefits of cohabitation.]

    I'm pretty sure I'm capable of loving on an emotional and intellectual level - I've certainly had unrequited love on an emotional level!
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    Hahahaha ... Monica, unless Jon changes his plan, he will be back in Beijing in August ...

    On a less (or more?) serious note, is it possible that your action and/or behaviour might have exhibited a lack of interest, so no one had bothered to ask you?
  • Monica Tan
    Monica Tan wrote:
    [Morag Brown: Somtimes I do worry that maybe I'm psychologically wired to not fall in love or something.]

    No, I don't believe this. I think this idea actually gives the concept of love too much power, like it's some kind of unattainable talent or power, when in actual fact it's pretty ordinary. It just takes the right kind of circumstances, and obviously a right-enough person, and unfortunately we haven't had the kind of luck that has made love come into fruition.
  • Monica Tan
    Monica Tan wrote:
    [Morag Brown: Somtimes I do worry that maybe I'm psychologically wired to not fall in love or something.]

    No, I don't believe this. I think this idea actually gives the concept of love too much power, like it's some kind of unattainable talent or power, when in actual fact it's pretty ordinary. It just takes the right kind of circumstances, and obviously a right-enough person, and unfortunately we haven't had the kind of luck that has made love come into fruition.
  • Monica Tan
    Monica Tan wrote:
    [(潇然) Adolfo Secades: be sociable in this case, don´t say nothing, the question is: how many real friends you have? can you have a close relation?]

    I'm really blessed in being able to say I have a small set of really, amazingly wonderful group of friends that I trust with my life. Most of these are old friends, that I've had for awhile, and now I can say a couple more I've made here in Beijing. On top of that I have a wider set of more "casual" friends but who still play an important part in my life.

    Which is why it's so difficult for me to understand why I'm so unfortunately never the romantic "object of someone's affections." It's not like I'm unlikeable or unable to build meaningful relationships.
  • Monica Tan
    Monica Tan wrote:
    [(潇然) Adolfo Secades: be sociable in this case, don´t say nothing, the question is: how many real friends you have? can you have a close relation?]

    I'm really blessed in being able to say I have a small set of really, amazingly wonderful group of friends that I trust with my life. Most of these are old friends, that I've had for awhile, and now I can say a couple more I've made here in Beijing. On top of that I have a wider set of more "casual" friends but who still play an important part in my life.

    Which is why it's so difficult for me to understand why I'm so unfortunately never the romantic "object of someone's affections." It's not like I'm unlikeable or unable to build meaningful relationships.
  • Petter Meisfjordskar
    I know you above me.
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    LOL! Thanks DD for pimping me out :P although if everything goes according to plan, I already have at least one target for when I return, and she is probably going to require significant effort to crack...

    You mean to tell me that you haven't been on a date with anyone for 7 years? And it wasn't on purpose? Jesus Christ, someone get this woman a vibrator at least... Something is seriously wrong then... every reasonably social and even marginally attractive woman I know gets propositioned by men fairly regularly, especially if you are making an effort to meet new people. I can't tell if you are social or not but you work in the entertainment industry and at least communicate well online, so I'll guess that you are socialble. And your photo certainly passes the "marginally attractive" criteria.

    DD says that maybe you are exhibiting a lack of interest, which definitely has merit. On the other hand, I feel that women usually don't need to show interest. As long as you aren't actively guarding yourself, this should be enough. But since what you say defies my general theory that a woman just has to be marginally nice and reasonably interesting to get hit on.

    So... let's see... where are you meeting people? I'm assuming since you have some good friends that you are going to social events and meeting friends of friends or whatnot. Sometimes this can be tricky. If there are too few people in the group, the guy might not want to lose his social credibility by hitting on his friends.

    And also, how does the typical conversation with a new guy go? Is he just steering the conversation while you answer his questions? Are you talking too much and overpowering him? There's sort of a tricky balancing act that you have to play as a girl when conversing with a guy. Even if you like him, you have to trick him into feeling like he won you over somehow. Coming from a typical male perspective, guys like to be in control. One trick to winning a guy is to fool him into thinking that everything was his idea.

    Now for some unsolicited advice... For example, let's say you give a guy your phone number. Ask him to call you on the spot so that you can have his number too. The next day, he hasn't called you yet, but you wish he would. Maybe he is playing the 3 day waiting game. You want to reinitiate contact, but obviously, you can't just call him and ask him out or ask him why he hasn't called you, but you can make up a subtext for making the first call. Call/text him and say "hey, who is this? I found a few new numbers in my phone last night but don't know who is who." This is a lot better than calling him directly because it doesn't reek of desperation and the guy now feels like he has something to prove to you to differentiate himself from the other guys you may have met.

    Alright, I'm going to shut up now before I start answering more unasked questions with poorly thought out answers...
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    Hahahaha ... Professor Gu ... in my younger days, I have actually met a few "Monica" (did that actually just sound like something they would say in "Friends"?) ... and if I may steal your own words from the other thread, she might be the "mother hen" of her group, which might be why she is socialable (or social-able) but guys are afraid to date her? What is your opinion?
  • Petter Meisfjordskar
    Lets go to the jungle.
  • Simen Stensvoll
    Let's be in love and make this world full of love!!!
  • Trude Magnussen
    finally you will find the right person in your lift. good luck to you.
  • A豆腐
    A豆腐 wrote:
    @Monica Tan is the problem is not the confidence with someone, if is [...] be the romantic "object of someone's affections." [...] is easy, only look for a man without sexual hungry, and be coquetish with him. The women coquestish always are be able to wake up the romantic spirit in the men. Do you want that your guy keep like a treasure in his memory, the moment when he saw you the first time, when he achieved your telefon number, the first date, the frist kiss.. bla bla
    A man in a relation with a coquetish woman, always is active, creative and thinking in how seduce the woman.

    If woman is coquetish, then her guy will be seductive-romantic with her.

    For dance somone must to give the first step
  • 雕刻时光
    雕刻时光 wrote:
    @_@hey~~Minimy , i can't agree you any more~~

    come on baby~~

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