Discussion » Dating & Romance » You guys ever get one-itis?

  • Jon Gu - 顾晓帆
    Jon Gu - 顾晓帆 wrote:
    Is anyone else currently afflicted with this terrible malady? Let me define for people who don't feel like looking it up on urbandictionary... "oneitis is the malaise that occurs when you get hooked on a person who does not reciprocate your interest."

    I simultaneously both love and hate having this kind of feeling. Doting over someone when you have no idea whether or not they will return your affections seems quite dysfunctional, but when things actually do work out, it's just that much better. And the feeling of breaking down someones barriers, changing their mind, it's all quite empowering.

    At the same time, I enjoy these long and drawn out chase scenarios. You always have to find new and innovative ways to take advantages of the chinks in the other party's armor. The constant plotting and scheming is ridiculously fun for me, and fortunately, I'm a lot less obsessive than I was back in my youth and don't stalk people, so it almost feels like a fun hobby sometimes.

    I don't really understand or appreciate the standard "nurturing and caring" type of relationship that most people say they are looking for... I feel like relationships are basically about winning and losing battles and when there are no battles to fight or when you win every battle too easily, it takes the fun out of everything.

    Breaking down your one-itis is one of the most challenging battles of all so it has quite a bit of appeal to me, yet at the moment I'd rather not have this problem. Fortunately, at this moment my only real symptoms of one-itis are a complete sense of apathy towards other women and this constant reminder in the back of my mind that I'm afflicted with this and there's nothing I can do about it since my one-itis isn't even in the same country as me at the moment.
  • Rune
    Rune wrote:
    dude writing posts on the internet about it isnt gonna help, just think about something else, or go find another girl
  • Børge Notkevich
    haha!! agrees with Rune! basically keep your self occupied so you don't have time to think about it, helps in the short term :)
  • Albulena Imeri
    "take advantages of the chinks"

  • Joakim Berg Solum
    Nope, I meant chinks, as in small cracks or weaknesses. It's not always a racial slur, lol!

    hahaha, yeah, I know the treatment for one-itis is to go bag 10 other ones, yet somehow I'm struck with complete apathy. Maybe it's just boredom feeding more boredom. I'm not questioning how to get over it or trying to whine about it, just wondering about people's feelings on the topic.

    Like I said earlier, somehow the feeling of one-itis feeds some sorta dysfunctional need of mine that being in a decent relationship or that banging 10 other chicks (chinks, lol) just doesn't fill in the same way. I'm wondering if that's unhealthy or if it's somewhat normal...
  • Daniel
    Daniel wrote:
    If you love someone, you have to be willing to break their spirit :D
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    Yes, exactly Daniel! So glad someone gets it! hahahaha
  • 爱米粒Emily
    Gosh I usually end up pretty much dramatic and screwed (not literally, I wish though) in this kind of battles.
  • Pavoir Sponse
    Pavoir Sponse wrote:
    Unrequited love? Never heard of it.... as soon as I so much as look at a girl she falls desperately in love with me
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    Carlos, I believe you are mistaking the tingly feeling of love at first sight with the rash of venereal disease. While similar, I'm fairly sure that when you come in contact with a girl, it's not love that you're spreading.
  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:
    She was the only person I shed a tear over after having said goodbye to Michigan. We were exceedingly close friends, but we consumed enough mind-altering substances in one another's company that we had no illusions that things would get awkward if we ever got intimate--and we did, rarely--but it was pretty clear to me by her selection of boyfriends that I was not her type.


    But I love her for her tempestruous rage, her drunken fury, her cool ethereality. Even supposing I could change her mind, doing so would diminish her most noble attributes. She's a wild thing. I could never domesticate her, nor would I want to.

    Luckily, she thought my pathetic attempts at poetry were hilarious and not just creepy. We're still friends.

    A few months ago, she invited me to live with her in an apartment in Ann Arbor, provided I could keep crazy ass in check. And I could, because she means enough to me as a friend that it doesn't matter if she reciprocates my feelings in exactly the same way. I was initially crazy about the idea of reconnecting with her, but after a week of sober contemplation I had to decline.

    She later confided in me that she wants to settle down, but she didn't say with whom. All I know is that I haven't yet become the man she deserves. So, on and on I walk.

    I may think of her as my soulmate but I don't believe in sole mates, so that hasn't stopped me from having fulfilling relationships since coming to China. Knowing that I'll never be purely faithful to any individual woman has made a couple of other girls madly jealous, so I can't say that I haven't suffered for it. But life goes on.

    There's nothing empowering about being a slave to desire. It's romantic, but romance is an impermanent and transitory illusion. Channel all that energy somewhere else.
  • Yuki Inés
    Yuki Inés wrote:
    One-itis is a term mainly refering AFC(Average Frustrated Chump), so it is a disease of male mainly.

    But if talking about obsessed on somebody. That happened once in my life. I met that boy in a campus dancing party. After a long night talking about Murakami and Gunter Grass in school canteen, I got totally obsessed about this boy, and thought he was Watanabe and I was Midori....(囧囧囧)

    That's a tough time for me. Crying... checking cellphone every 10 min wishing he can send me message but dare not to send him one; waiting for him all the time, in the thrilling winter in Chaoyang Park, in the cinema watching THE RING, but he stood me up...Telling him I love him but he said he just wanna keep my freindship....In the whole year, we were almost seeing each other every day. But what we did is talking, talking and talking, not even touching each other's finger....

    That's pretty much destoried my first year in university.

    And one day I suddenly felt, I had it enough, I did not love him any more and did not wanna wait any longer...so I asked for a leave forever. He was so angry, and telling me he like me a lot...

    Two days after 'broke-up', I met my first boyfriend in university time.

    After one year, I broke up with that boyfriend, so sad that I called him with a different number. Before i can squeeze my first words out, he asked me, Is that yuki...fucking broke my heart at that moment ! We became friend again.

    With no doubt he was my soulmate from the beginning till the end. He understood too much about me. But by times, we became totally different person from what we expected. He works for a marketing job, having sex with hookers, painting his room in pink. He still doesn't wanna get married, he drunk too many baijiu and became fat. One day, he told me he had sex with one of our classmate (he did not like her at all in university). He does not like to talk about Kundra or Zola any more, he preferred topic about women....And years ago I lost the maple leaf he gave me before.

    But that boy in 2002 is my soulmate forever. I love that one so much. Sweet pain memories can still easily reach to bones.

    It did not happen before, and never happened again.
  • Minger
    Minger wrote:
    Jon Gu wrote: "...take advantages of the chinks in the other party's armor..."

    you mean like how they keep peeing and spitting everywhere, so the armor rusts and you can eventually break it down?

    Ok you and JimmyBond already beat me to the punch, but it's a slow day.. You guys can smack me now.
  • Minger
    Minger wrote:
    Yuki, did the guy have a beard?
  • Daniel
    Daniel wrote:
    Wasn't going to reply to this very much but Yuki's reply was awesome and so I thought I'd share my 'the one' experience too.

    I had this feeling once, a few months before I was meant to enter University and during the exam period. I randomly met this girl in a train station and we spent the next few hours wandering around Cardiff. She revealed she had a screwdiver in her pocket to defend against weirdoes: one of those quirky, unique things that grabs my attention (why a screwdriver..?).

    For the next month and half we spent most days and nights together. Nothing sordid, we just stayed up all nights watching old films, TV shows and going out in the dead of night to sit in an old school yard and wait for the sun to come up. It was nice, I remember distinctly sometimes where she'd suddenly realise she had been freezing cold for the last ten minutes and, leaning her back against me whilst we sat, would fold her arms into the sleeves of the coat I was wearing: it was trivial but felt like the most important thing in the world at the time.

    And then suddenly nothing. I received a teary phone-call one day asking me to meet her at this decrepit (I used to call it 'aspiring-)castle and during this meeting, we sort of broke up. Sort of because we hadn't been seeing each other long enough for it to be an official relationship but it felt more than just a normal relationship in spite of that.

    So for the next few months I shut down. I underperformed in my exams (1A3B's instead of the 4A's I was on course for), was rejected from my first choice University because I had slipped one grade(my offer was AAB), decided to take a year out and re-apply the following year, tried to forget about her for awhile and then gave up on trying that route and set about trying to find out why that had happened, how it could be so unimportant to her as to throw it away without caring about it when I knew that wasn't the case, in spite of everything pointing to that. I went through an entire soppy poetry phase and discovered Pablo Neruda's 'Tonight I can write...'

    And nothing. Letters went unanswered, conversations were brief and elusive, and life moved on. About a year later, she called me and explained things: she had finally broken up with her boyfriend of just under a year: he had been friend who was suicidal and obsessed with her romantically. And he threatened to kill himself if she wouldn't help him get better during the time we had been meeting.

    I know her choice was stupid, but the thing with this girl was that she was a good person but also quite insecure, and she couldn't understand how anyone could really want to be with her, even if she felt it. And she thought I wasn't that attached to her and that if it was a choice between her being happy and her friend dying, and her being neutral and her friend getting better then it was worth the sacrifice because she'd be the only one that'd get hurt.

    We're best friends now, and we have been for a long time, but it's a bit sad that the moment has passed. She's not the same person as before and neither am I, but for that time in my life she was my soul-mate and it's difficult to imagine feeling that way about anyone again.

  • Yuki Inés
    Yuki Inés wrote:
    @Daniel Godfrey

    'Ya no la quiero, es cierto, pero cuánto la quise.'
  • Undermoonlight
    ...Conclusively, I think, all these fancy or heart-breaking stories happen in people's adolescent years...if a growing man or woman still has that kind of feeling, it's really become a disease...
  • Undermoonlight
    ...sorry, not growing man but grown man...and actually, I meant to say that it is a kind of growing pain...nice love story writing though...haha~~
  • Minger
    Minger wrote:
    It is interesting that nobody ends up with their "soul mate".

    I think it's only possible to have that kind of feeling once. Not because there's only one person that's fit for you, but because after you separate from the first person who matches you so well, and then have relationships with a few more people who are equally well matched, you start to realize that there's nothing so special about any one person that can make them irreplaceable.

    How cynical. I really envy those people who can end up happily married with the only person they ever loved.
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    It's interesting what criteria a girl uses to determine who her soul mate is. Apparently, at least 2 of my ex-girlfriends think that I am their soul mate, plus 2 other close female friends also think this. I don't understand why...

    One of those ex-girlfriends is engaged to be married soon but we still talk a lot and she frequently mentions the fact that she thinks we are soul mates and that her fiancé will never understand her the way I do. Her fiancé discovered one of these conversations and was quite upset...

    My best friend Stephanie is probably the closest thing I have to a soul mate. I had a crush on her for a while and we had a drunken make-out session the first day we met, but nothing happened beyond that. She is basically a female version of me, we share the same interests and often say the same thing at the same time. We would webcam chat for hours sometimes while I was in China and sometimes fall asleep with cameras still on to feel closer to each other. She almost followed me here, but logic dictated against that. But we will never become romantically involved because of various reasons, and it's been 7 years already.
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    After hearing all of your stories of soul mates, irrational behavior and suicidal tendencies, I guess it's only fair that I share my story about my pathetic first teenage/college love too, which destroyed what could have been a potentially interesting college life. Not really the direction I saw this thread going, but this is quite interesting too. Need a moment to gather those thoughts though.
  • Minger
    Minger wrote:
    "But we will never become romantically involved because of various reasons, and it's been 7 years already."

    Do those various reasons all take the form of "she won't let you bang her"?
    I seem to remember you mentioning this before haha...
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    Actually there's some overlap. It could have happened in the beginning, but I was still trying to maintain my failing pathetic relationship with the one I mentioned in the last post. Then, after that POS relationship fell apart, yes, the reason was that she wouldn't let me bang her. Now it's more that we know each other too well and it seems like any kind of relationship would be completely doomed to failure anyways.

    But I'd still bang the hell outta her if she let me, naturally.

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