Discussion » Dating & Romance » Why do women think that only men are players?

  • James
    James wrote:

    First, I get it. Women get horrible treatment when it comes to sexuality. If you're not a prude, then you're a whore. It's unfair and has no place in society.

    However, I am really tired of reading this board and talking to people in real life and hearing things like all guys are players, as though women don't do exactly the same thing.

    I don't know if it's my personality, my race, or just happenstance, but I cannot get a woman to look at me as relationship material. This is despite having a good job, a very good education, etc. If a woman looks at me, it's usually only for the one "good" black stereotype. I have been played so many times in the last year, I don't know where to start.

    It may not play into all-too-convenient gender stereotypes, but women use men too. Hell, people use people. I really wish all of this women-as-fairer-sex-men-as-players talk would just die. In my experience it is far from that simple.

  • Miriam Pedersen
    Are you taking about Chinese girls? Most Chinese girls are racists. They might play with you but serious relationship? You have to be Chinese or at least asian or white. thats reality.
  • Yuki Inés
    Yuki Inés wrote:
    For me, I dont think all men are players. It depends more on different stages of life and what you want from life, rather than your gender, race or nationality.

    Maybe what I have is a weird idea, but I do think, what you get from life is always what you really believe. So if gals take the player bullshit serious, what they can get are always players. And, what deep inside their mind actually, is the player character they want to become.

    Similarly, if you don't like the label for all men. Do not take your last-year experience as label for most women. Gender differences are huge, but could be insignificant too. All depends on what you think.

    Good Luck then.
  • Yuki Inés
    Yuki Inés wrote:
    ...I just met a couple in my hometown yesterday. A chinese gal and a black guy, quite eyeballs attractive in this little city though.
  • Yuki Inés
    Yuki Inés wrote:
    oh...Got you finally.

    No big difference as human being, yes. But those crime-victim things is our social myth, unfortunately....
  • Miriam Pedersen
    I think there is one thing you need to understand.

    Sure there are bad people independent of gender. And there are certainly many women who are ruthless.

    However, I also made the experience that a good portion of women, who make their male counterpart suffer don't even doing it deliberately. Communication with women is often like passing tests. Sometime you give the right answer. Sometime you fail. And your attraction rises and fall with your success rate. The tests are subtle and provoked unconsciously.

    So I believe that women are always victims. Not always victims of violence but in most cases also victims of their own genetic programming, which drives them to constantly run tests on potential mates.

    So in short, if it does not work and you feel cheated. It's always the guy's fault. You simply failed at the test.
  • Da Fan
    Da Fan wrote:
    yes, as long as the world is neutually random, they are programmed to be victims, even there is no "bad guy" in fact :)
  • Erik Aleksander Aas
    Lemme kick off by just attaining that I looooove all women. I believe God placed women on this earth to make it a lovelier, groovier and much more pleasant place. Women are special and should be treated as such, everyday - forever.

    I am now going to reveal to you what women want, have always wanted and will always be looking for in any man with whom they become intimate.
    Be advised that I will be dealing with a monumental but accurate generalization which is not meant to apply to every female who ever lived. I bow to the variability within and between the sexes. Nonetheless, you will see that my assertion has the undeniable thud of the obvious. Firstly though, lemme make some things clear:

    Women always complain about not finding a good man but are never really interested in a good man. Women love bad boys and once that relationship inevitably goes bad they seem surprised. They blame everything on the guy but forget that they in fact chose that specific guy and found him attractive for just that reason.

    Women always go on about guys putting so much pressure on them to look good, yet they do exactly the same. They want the cute/handsome and good looking guy, six pack and all! If you the Woody Allen type with a great personality, forget it bro - YOU ARE NOT GETTING LAID! Instead of looking to click with someone on a deeper level they will superficially go for the Brad Pitt lookalike!

    Women want money/security/stability - that's the truth no matter what any woman might say. They want the alpha male, the one that would provide for and protect her offspring - it's in their genes! If you're cute and funny she might sleep with you a couple of times but trust me once she realises that you are financially doomed, she's gone faster than you can say one hundred dollars!

    These are the facts. This is not a man's world, it's a woman's world - deal with it! All is not lost though, there is something women cannot resist...

    What women find irresistible is confidence! Confidence... not arrogance, not dominance, not one-upsmanship, not useless bravado, not macho heroics. Women just love truly confident men.

    Now as you know, confidence is an attitude thing. In particular, male confidence frequently manifests as an "I-can-handle-it attitude". This does not mean that feelings are denied. It doesn’t imply an absence of doubt, fear, or vulnerability. A delusion of total self sufficiency is not required.

    Confidence simply says: "I can deal with it... somehow... well at least I’ll do my best". The attitude of confidence doesn’t even have to be constant, just generally present in the face of most life challenges!

    Hope this helps James and good luck.

  • Miriam Pedersen
    Vincent, well written!

    And good news to all guys: Confidence is not a gift given to a handful, but actually can be trained.
  • Takeshi
    Takeshi wrote:
    i wanna say something about the women nowadays. they seems look all the men as their ememies. it seems they'r the best being in the planet, always critcised what men did, even appearance, education, job, money and reputation. hell, it;s unfair.
  • Kodi
    Kodi wrote:
    Well I think people just need to stick to the women and men that are in the same stage they are in regard to dating maturity. If you just want to have sex then do not date someone who wants marriage. If you are looking for a g/f do not try to hit it off seriously with the hot hipster at the bar. That kind of shit is just asking for trouble.
  • Mathew Abisai
    Mathew Abisai wrote:
    Because they are players and they want to fool people
  • NN
    NN wrote:
    I cant deny some of women are players,and play much more harder then men
  • Keera Lee Farrington
    hey James

    I understand where u r coming from and China is not the best place to find non-judgemental people in general TRUSTME!
    u know sometimes luck comes when u r leastin expecting it, enjoy your time in china, u never know what may come round the corner but dont let all the negativities of before alter your mentality.
  • Karoline Kaspersen
    how many foreigner got married with chinese from WLIB
    how many chinese got marries with foreiner from WLIB
    is there any one who answer me ?
  • Åse Marie Strand
    Oh man, here we go. First off I would like to state that everyone is a player. We're all in "the game" (if that's the metaphor we are going with here) and therefore we are all players. Some play with ethics, some play dirty, some play it straight, some are deceptive but in the end, what it boils down to is we are all players in the same game. I hate the analogy but am going with it because it is the one the poster chose.

    @ Vincent. Though your point is well articulated and I agree with some of your comments, I also resent some of the content of your post. 1. Not all women go for the "bad boy type." In a world where we are all so fucked up in our own ways, how could you make such a generalization. Though some women might be attracted to the bad boy persona, not every girl has the conscious intention of going out there and finding the baddest boy on the block. Seriously, the nice guy does not always finish last. Nice will get you a lot further than you might think. I think that other women out there can support this claim.

    2. Not all women are completely superficial. Despite what you might believe it is not all about looks. In the long run, looks will only get you so far. Also, there is a BBC special on Perception and Beauty (if you want to look it up it features Elizabeth Hurley) that states that most youth are motivated by sexual attraction (at first) but this typically has the most weight in purely SEXUAL relationships. Typically as men and women get older motives change and physical attraction moves lower down the list. When this happens, qualities like intelligence, emotional stability, etc. take precedence.

    3. I counter your point about money as well. Though I agree that money is important and that finding a "mate" who is good at managing their money and not up to their neck in debt is a plus, but it is not always a make it or break it deal. I think this goes both ways (for men and women). As do your other generalizations.

    I do, however, agree that confidence is an attractive quality.

  • Gem
    Gem wrote:
    seems there are many topics in one post.
    "most chinese girls are racist", no, they even do not know anything about racist, there is no concept about race here only if people are minorites in china,(minority people are proud of they are), chinese do not look down any race,they just like white people looking and white people always represent developed style,they want to be more developed in this period of society.
    as for chinese think foreign man are bad, i guess the reason is the stupid and terrible education system, teachers told chinese that people in capitalism nation is induldged in enjoyment,and high divorce rate in western country...in the case, chinese are just a little bit ignorant, not racist.

    also culture gap exists.
    the fact is chinese man would really be depressed in marriage,but wont divorce still. for chinese woman,the older they are ,the harder they live in current society,the harder they get married,after you know that, you will no wonder that girls choose stable life, not pursue real happiness.no doubt they take chinese guy in serious relationship,they are just conservative,lack of adventure gene.not racits again.

    as i know, many think chinese girls are open-minded,they have sex with foreigners or something they found, i would say curiousity is popoluar in china in the process of fast developed. many culutre elements mixed up in big cities now.It encourages new things they never see and feel before,meantime it take more time that young people know what they really need in life.

    If you want chinese girl as serious relationship,keep catching her up,show your patience and honesty, you will win. It happens in every nation,but to foreigners in china, it is much harder get good girl in current situation,JIA YOU!

    in the topic of the difference between man and woman,in short, woman are home,man are always kids.
  • Gem
    Gem wrote:
    i think almost chinese care about other's thinking.
    in the case,like i explained,black people representive of backward society,chinese do not want other people think, look! she is with a man without money/good looking/strange maybe. also girls's parents,they do not want their daughter in this situation,and do not want their family be strange in friends and relatives eyes.
    if Afrian countires is most developed,im sure chinese will love black people.
    in short, chinese people love "face"(面子), it also happens among chinese,people love being closed with rich and high class people.
  • Miriam Pedersen
    "black people representive of backward society" <- that's what we usually call "Racism".

    "if Afrian countires is most developed,im sure chinese will love black people." <- As if all black people coming from Africa....

    "in short, chinese people love "face"(面子), it also happens among chinese,people love being closed with rich and high class people." - yeah, so do white people in America or Europe.

    It's like you saying : "It's not our fault that black people are so poor and uneducated. If they do, we will love them!" or in case of chinese people, fill in Tibetians and Uighurs. What a pathetic execuse for rasism is that?
  • Erik Aleksander Aas
    Gem Shih which hole did you crawl out off? You disgust me.
  • Sara Elise Fladmark Seland
    I guess that our poor friend is just trying to say how chinese society still has a lot of preconcepts. It's not her fault, it's all about the enviroment.. Let's not crucify a product of this society..
    And not just the chinese society, I can say that even in my country, which have a mix of africans, native americans and europeans since colony period, and recently asians, I know that even inside a enviroment like this, not just the racism, but the stupid fear of racism, which also results in the thought of a label, which for me, is the same.. It's just a fuc**ng hidden racism. Each person is different, but in the end we're also all the same. People need to learn this, they need to see people's faces all with the same opportunities.
  • Siliconfish
    Siliconfish wrote:
    Chill...I don't think that girl spoke for her own stand or had any intention to hurt anyone's feeling.

    But as much as i don't wanna admit, I do find some of her words are true.

    Some of the worst racists are the ones who think that they are not racist and really are.They don't realize what they are saying and doing are racist. Then there are those who are completely unaware of racism in the world. If you take someone and put them in the heart of a racist area, they still won't notice the problems. They will see it with their own eyes, but it won't register in their mind.

    I believe in China mainly we are talking about the unawareness. Like some of my relatives, my high-school-drop-out neibourhood ... I have lived in a racist community for most of my life, I haven't turned out like the rest of them. And as i'm growing up, I feel lucky that ppl surrounding me listen and are willing to change for my talking and doing.

    I wouldn't excuse that racism exsists else countries as well and maybe the situation is more severe, cause to compare to other cases doesn't make the "bad" any better, or the other "bad" worse.

    The thing is ppl are ill-informed about a lot of things, and the education system doesn't really help much to get things straight. They unconsciously misbehave in a racist way, but first thing up is to reason with them about how differently ppl live and things going on out there ( not just the info. they learn by through mass-media as target audience.) rather than being oversensitive and short-tempered. I know that's maybe a little too much to ask from foreingers though, as for me I have surely been trying and will do that as far as possible.

    oulal...,said too much...out...(- . -)=3

  • Åse Marie Strand
    Can racism truly exist if there is no real concept of racism in the society in which you are living? If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

    Racism is a social construct that can exist as long as there are multiple races present (otherwise there would only be social stratification by wealth). Social change takes time, and I agree with what Letsmojito is saying. Though these preconceptions associating Africa with poverty might be primitive, they cannot be denied. Don't crucify the girl for trying to provide us with some social insight. The attitude she is presenting might be offensive but nowhere in her posts has she owned that attitude as hers.
  • Gem
    Gem wrote:
    yes,chill! got lots of blames here,you guys should not crucify me.
    thanks for Laura Lemire and letsmojito!
    i wasnt speaking for my own stand,just trying to ask for some understanding, to explain why some bad things existed in china, or in entire human race,and it happens.

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:
    There is no place on earth where people do not discriminate on the basis of skin color. But discrimination only becomes racism when people with power do it to subjugate people who lack power.

    Race exists in China, just like anywhere else. Whiteness is coveted; my pale ass is pretty goddamned frustrated with all the whitening agents in face wash. To their credit, China strives to be a multi-cultural nation. Minorities get all sorts of special protections and privileges. But there are a lot of Han people who resent the preferential treatment shown to minority groups. Just like in good ole US of A, where dipshit crackers call affirmative action "reverse racism". As if regular racism is normal and acceptable.

    My dad's an old-fashioned bigot who regularly throws the n-word around and my mom's a progressive, but I find the "I'm not racist but black people are dumb so let's give them money" attitude of educated "colorblind" liberals to be even nastier than the overt racism of conservatives. And that's not just because I found a secret stash of white chicks/black dicks porn on my old man's PC.
  • Anders Rapp
    Anders Rapp wrote:
    what u are you will always find same because your nature and you ,your heart ,mind everything is looking for same !
    cheers !!1 look for some thing good
    i am good and i always find good friend
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)

    Just wondering ... does this refer to a particular group of women? e.g. single vs married?
  • Gem
    Gem wrote:
    China's over obsession with being white is based on their culture. Therefore racism is subconsciously part of Chinese culture. I don't hate black people but what I'm saying is its woven into the culture therefore, even though by your standards these people may appear racist, they are oblivious to it.
  • Sofia
    Sofia wrote:
    waste of time talking shit
    why does the discussion come to black again?
    what's wrong with blacks?
    and show me how elegant,wealthy and smart a white is?seems i'll never been convinced by a racism which is really bullshit
  • Kay
    Kay wrote:
    "black people representive of backward society", "if Afrian countires is most developed,im sure chinese will love black people.".these words are proof not only of racism but also explains the nature of the person who wrote it ....

    Thank you Humprey for your constructive reactions.

    First thing first, i am african and proud of being one, i am Ph.D candidate with a wealth business. So i would like to say first that, nobody choose his color, that is matter of God.

    1. saying that "black people representive of backward society", this sentence is f***ing bullshit, because its mean's that Barack Obama, Nelson Mandela, Dr King, Sedar Singor, Lumumba, NBA stars etc.. are the result of what your poor reasoning create?

    2."if Afrian countires is most developed,im sure chinese will love black people.", i am sure that there is some Chinese-educated still out there, who know's the history of Africa, with countries like the DRC (formerly: Zaire) was already developing into the 80s, and exactly to the years 1978 with the DRC President Mobutu gave a 1000.000 assistance of U.S. dollars to fight against famine in China.
    but these countries havent managed to continue their road to development because of the wars that were imposed by some Western countries to steal their wealth ... but this is not the subject of our conversation.

    Be honest im not surprise to read this kind of sentence, coz in my opinion to be representive of backward society is to hold racism attitude with pathetic sentence like "if Afrian countires is most developed,im sure chinese will love black people".how do you expect after reading such a sentence, a black African or black American guy did not want to play a Chinese girl, just to make her drool and loose her fake (面子) .

    Gem shih, i wonder that you've been overseas to see what "white" people symbol of wealth that you worship, think about chinese girl.

    God bless

  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:
    Don't shoot the messenger, folks.

    I think Gem's point is that even educated Chinese people with positive or neutral opinions of black people are will nonetheless demonstrate support for racist ideology out of self-interest, not out of any conscious malice for black people.

    So I don't think she really deserves all this heat. Maybe she's misspoken a bit, but I don't think labelling her a racist is very constructive.

    That said, I'm pretty firm in my conviction that nobody's really ever innocent. Compared to harboring personal bigotries, I think it's just as bad to be totally ignorant of race, or to be too much of a coward to argue with the racist redneck assholes out there.
  • Peteris Baltrunkis
    Okay, so we've got two topics going here. On the first:

    "So I believe that women are always victims."
    Please. Some women are victims (of physical violence, emotional abuse and misunderstandings) but plenty of us are intelligent enough to know AND USE the "It's his fault for not being what I want" to take a guy for all he's worth and then tossing him. Some of us are stupid enough to actually believe that they're in the right when they do this.

    Also, the "hormones" card has always bothered me. It takes away the human value of being in control of yourself, and only plays up the "women are victims" stereotype. We don't say of a guy "Oh, his testosterone was to high; he didn't mean to throw a chair at the wall" so why do we say "Oh, her progesterone was on the fritz; she didn't mean to walk out on him"?

    On the second:

    @Gem Shih:
    I get that you're just trying to explain the Chinese girls' mentality, and that does not necessarily mean you share their views and practices. Thank you for your insight.
    However, that does not excuse their behavior or it's rampant level in Chinese society. To the rest of us, the idea that you're judging not only people's character but their financial situation based on their skin is both insulting and idiotic, and grounds for serious loss of international 面子。I hope that some people start standing up and showing how valuable people of all races are, like the couple Yuki Sumire was talking about (kudos to them, btw).

    @Dando Z:
    "I find the [...] attitude of educated "colorblind" liberals to be even nastier than the overt racism of conservatives." "I think it's just as bad to be totally ignorant of race."
    Seconded, although I find the "colorblind" mentality to usually mean "everyone's white" in code. I've heard more than I care to from people saying "Obama's just like a white president! OMG, I'm not racist anymore!"
    Race is a beautiful thing. Being different colors is evolutionarily beneficial and looks hella cool. Different shapes, sizes, hair types... the combinations are, literally, endless. Cultural diversity only multiplies these possibilities, and makes the world both a wonderful and challenging place to live in.
  • Erik Aleksander Aas
    Even people who aspire to tolerance - who would consider themselves nonracist - still harbor unconscious biases powerful enough to prevent them from confronting overt racists or from being upset by other people’s racist behavior! To me this suggests attitudes so deeply ingrained that aggressive measure are required to overcome them.

    The big discrepancy in Chinese culture between what people say and think about racism and the actual persistence of racism in their society boggles my mind. Chinese associate negative words such as angry, criminal, backward and poor after being exposed to a black face (often blacks do too, but that's a whole different topic), suggesting unconscious racist associations with black people. The most worrying aspect is that even if a small proportion of a society is active, old-fashioned racists, and if the majority of people who believe they are not racist rationalize away racist behavior and don’t intervene or even get upset when it occurs, then the society is going to be an unfair, unequal and downright fucked up society! Stop making excuses for these racist attitudes and behaviors!!!!!! Even though people might be oblivious to the fact (which I tend to disagree with) that they are racist they should be confronted and made aware that their behavior is unacceptable!

    Unconscious biases can be overcome through self-awareness as people learn to free blacks from the negative associations that have metaphorically fettered them for so long. As a measure of the difficulty of allowing our better angels to prevail, however, consider this question: Do you imagine those angels to be black...or white?
  • Stanley Zarretta
    If you are not a player and you have been played, raise up your hands. No player can play without a playmate.
  • Heidi Reisvang
    a player man can only find player women. if there is no mutualunderstanding in relationship than might be this problem occur where couple doubt in each other.
    and think his gf/bf playing with his/her.
  • Ola Sande
    Ola Sande wrote:
    ...fuck,who tell you that shit,or it's you?
  • Heidi Reisvang
    first mind ur language and than ask me who tell me this.its better for u go to good school and learn some manner how to talk with strangers and write in publc discussion.
    stupid girl.
  • Amber
    Amber wrote:
    that is because a male has a more sociable and childlike disposition, a more attractive and sprightly manner ............something lighter,manlier,more natural as it were.

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