Discussion » Dating & Romance » Why the drama with ONS?

  • 赛博 - Saibo
    赛博 - Saibo wrote:
    That is something I need to clarify, I have never ever heard about one night stands before I arrived in China and it seems such a big deal for many people here.

    Whenever ONS would happen to any of my friends (girl or guy) outside of China I'd just hear a story like "we had a last tequila shot around 3am then went to his place. Breakfast this morning at his house. He's pretty cool" end of the story (well unless something more fun happened!)

    Here in China many girls I have met (and will meet also for sure) can ask me about how many times I had ONS (more than 5, less than 10, so you don't need to ask me later), and the first thing you find on half of the girls profiles here is "Don't add me if you are looking for one night stands".

    Last time I had a french friend feeling bad about that, I think she (of course I've never heard a guy complain about it!) was 16 or maybe 17.

    So any insight on why people feel (or pretend to feel) so bad about it might be interesting.

    I have a beginning of answer myself that I'll share with you later, I want to have other fresh opinions before.
  • Ms Bla
    Ms Bla wrote:
    er....have no idea abt 'ONS'
    I'd like to talk abt long term relationship...
  • Malin Aaker
    Malin Aaker wrote:
    yeah I know you love to fuck up other people's thread, but if you want to talk about exactly the opposite of what I'm asking, you would be a very gentlewoman to start your own thread for that, and I'd be happy to come there talk with you about long term stuff. Cool?
  • Ms Bla
    Ms Bla wrote:
    That is offense ! you are dead against me....i was just spoken what i want say
    becoz you dunno here's ppl.. .....Er.....so do i ...
    alright... Im drop out this thread okay gentleman ?
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    People always use the whole "centuries of tradition" as an excuse as to why it's not safe to have ONS for Chinese girls. This is kind of crap I think. Centuries of tradition can be wiped out in a few years, just look at the USA, centuries of a Puritanical background with very conservative ideas about sex were shattered in the mid 1900's. It just hasn't happened yet here. The parents of this generation are still rooted in their traditions, but give it a few more years and the 80's and 90's girls won't care anymore because their parents care less too.

    Over in American and probably more so in Europe, it doesn't matter that much to have a ONS. Here, it's frowned upon more to have a "slutty" reputation... so when a girl does it she feels more ashamed. Few women can be "logically" convinced to have a one night stand, so when it happens, it's obvious that she was swept up in a wave of emotions, and now she feels that she is not in control of herself anymore.

    This is not a very well thought out theory by the way...
  • Sofia
    Sofia wrote:
    depends on the life styles that ppl hold for themselves
    Relatively speaking, Chinese ppl are traditional
    I also won't have sex with a man who is not my BF
    even if i'm single i won't allow myself to have ONS which makes my foreign friends extremely confused
    but that's my way
  • Malin Aaker
    Malin Aaker wrote:
    I think the "very traditional" stuff is a very convenient way not to ask yourself why you Sofia personally don't want it, which is what I'd like to understand for real. Or tell me what in your traditions makes you (and I say YOU, not "chinese people" it's already quite hard to know about oneself not to imply all your fellow chinese people in the way you think) not want to do this, and why this part of the traditions is so important to you.

    Or what would the consequences be might also be a way to have an interesting look at it.
  • Mathew Abisai
    Mathew Abisai wrote:
    ONS not a big deal...it ends fast
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    Hahahaha ... B ... no need to be angry ...

    As a matter of fact, I had been discussing this with a few friends, so here goes ... I will make some generalisation here too, and if it does not apply to you and/or people you know, dont scream or yell ...

    About a week or two ago, someone (a foreign guy) started a thread about the phrase "open-minded" ... the story was that he had dinner with some friends, one of them a Chinese girl, and over dinner, he complimented her that she is very "open-minded", she got angry and texted him back later not to say that again ...

    Obviously, people has different definitions (or point of view) about the phrase "open-minded" ...

    Moving away from China, let's go south or south-west ... I am assuming that most of you have seen your fair share of Indian movies, right? I read somewhere that they are NOT allowed to even touch lips on the Bollywood movies ...

    So when they seem to be kissing on the screen, that's just the angle of the camera ...

    Muslims women wear veils ... and if I remember correctly, if a man sees the face of the woman behind her veil, he has to marry her or be killed by her father?

    At one stage, even western women visiting Muslim countries need to wear veils, is that still the case?

    Anyway ... these are traditions, or cultures, that "outsiders" had learnt to accept and respect, though they might not understand that ...

    Back in the 60's, when "flower power" was a big thing, a lot of people changed their mind about "sex", but before that, even kissing was a serious thing ...

    I dont disagree with Saibo and Jon, but it is always much easier to simply accept such point of view ...
  • Malin Aaker
    Malin Aaker wrote:
    It's easier to accept the point of view, but I think it's better to exchange and understand. And "traditions and culture" are not a good enough explanation for me. They are good enough as long as you only know one way that things are done. As soon as you know people somewhere else have different way to deal with this, then I don't accept "tradition and culture" as a good explanation.
  • Ms Bla
    Ms Bla wrote:
    I'm one from Muslim ~!!!! haha
  • Ms Bla
    Ms Bla wrote:
    so if anyone saw the real face behind my veil, he has to marry me or else will be killed by my father!!!! so how many husbands i have had ?
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    Hahahaha ... well, like I had said, my information might have been outdated, but assuming I was correct about kissing in the Bollywood movies and the veil thing, was it difficult for you to accept those?

    If your answer is "no", then why not also accept the Chinese's views on sex and ONS?


  • Malin Aaker
    Malin Aaker wrote:
    Nope, I don't accept things without trying to understand! Sorry! And cause after talking about it with a few friends, I know there is more to it than a simple word like "traditions".
  • Sofia
    Sofia wrote:
    well, then let's leave traditions and cultures
    maybe it's a problem of life style
    some ppl would do everything that bring them fun
    but some ppl do have self-control and bottom line which may differs in a degree according to different people
    i never blame ppl who have ONS or crazy at sth, that's their way
    i just stick to mine which maybe regared as silly and stubborn
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    Hahahaha ... if you know something, why not tell us? Obviously I would see things different from you do, and perhaps blinded by this big "T" thing, but I would like to know what you know ...
  • Sofia
    Sofia wrote:
    nevertheless, nowadays more and more chinese accept the ONS as natural
  • Malin Aaker
    Malin Aaker wrote:
    Actually yeah, I think Sofia and Jon earlier hit a serious point regarding loss of control. Which seems actually a very good reason for the drama, if you told yourself this would not happen and it did then you might not feel proud of yourself, is something I completely understand.

    But on the other hand, the same loss of control can lead you to unexpected and wonderful things, and seems to sometimes be behind the idea of wonderful perfect love that some people have in the way that you put someone else in control, and don't need to worry about it anymore.
  • Kodi
    Kodi wrote:
    Perhaps women in general do not want to risk getting pregnant for a guy who is only thinking about having sex with them once and then hitting the road. Perhaps sex means a little more to some people than just an orgasm. I think it makes perfect sense to find someone who you really like and then have continuous access to a loving relationship that can also satisfy sexual needs as well as emotional ones. The pregnancy rate for teens and unmarried women is relatively low in China and I think this may be a good thing. This can reduce the incidence of sexually transmitted disease amongst people who do not engage in promiscuous sex acts. Leave that stuff to the prostitutes and jiggalow types. It is much safer and healthy to not have random sex. Maybe that is it?
  • Sofia
    Sofia wrote:
    actually, saibo's topic is what i'm entangled with these days
    one of my friends is as confused as saibo. He never understands why i'm so serious abt this issue, is there anyone gonna die or is there any gonna kill u if u allow urself to have fun with a guy whom u don't hate, and finally he regarded me as a lesbian, that's the only reasonalble explanation that he could come up

    actually there are a lot of people who are fighting between a sense and sensibility
  • Alicia WANG
    Alicia WANG wrote:
    I don t like have sex with stranger.and always,the men who i want to have sex with,already become my bf.so I never have chance for ONS.

  • Joakim Berg Solum
    A woman's view against one night stands:

    -I don't want to be a slut
    -I'm a traditional girl
    -I will only sleep with a boyfriend
    -I can't just give it up to someone who I don't know who hasn't proven himself to me yet
    -What if I get pregnant



    A man's logic when trying to convince a girl that one night stands are OK:

    -What do you have to lose? You aren't a virgin (ok, even I will say that virgins *probably* shouldn't have a one night stand for their #1)
    -No one will judge you except yourself, and why judge yourself that way
    -Traditional? What's a tradition? Why are you sticking to it? It's traditional to ride a horse to work too, but you don't do that do you?
    -If you like him and it feels good, what's wrong with it?
    -Just because it happened fast doesn't mean it has to be cheap
    -Women want sex just as much if not more so than men
    -You aren't cheating on anyone, so boyfriend or a day or boyfriend for a year, does it matter?
    -If you use a condom it is almost 100% safe
    -It's always 100% FUNNNNN
    -And as pointed out by Sofia... "You're not a LESBIAN are you???"
  • Xx
    Xx wrote:
    my view against one night stands:
    1\ i don't know this guy well, so im not sure if he treat me well in bed,if he is a nice guy ,if we bring each other fun?i don't wanna take the risk to spend a horrible night with somebody i don't know
    2\ same as the 1

  • Sofia
    Sofia wrote:
    Jon's view are totally right and the guys' logics sound reasonable
    so i think many ppl are fighting, for a long time, or maybe a whole life
  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:
    I don't really care for One Night Stands because there is only so much two people can learn about one another in such a short amount of time. Don't get me wrong, I'm still an incorrigible bastard and I'm not trying to act like a good guy or anything. I just think it's an inferior social arrangement compared to having a reliable fuckpal.
  • Malin Aaker
    Malin Aaker wrote:
    I think there is actually some beauty in a one night stand because, both people can get very close to each other and share themselves, live it fully and completely, abandon theirselves to each other. And the fact that you'll never see each other again is what makes it a perfect and unforgettable memory (except when you're too fucked up and wake up thinking "who is that? what happened?")

    On the other hand, if you stay on a much longer term, this can lead you to "I don't even know why I liked him in the first place anymore" which is not so cool!

    "All the happiness, all the troubles of all the 'forever' love you find them in a shorten way, in the small loves of a day" (Georges Brassens "La Marine", sucky translation by myself)
  • Xx
    Xx wrote:
    i think "the diminishing returns " would explain why the ONS is perfect(in theory)
    also ,if u want to get such perfect experience u have to take risk
    high risk high return
  • Fazio
    Fazio wrote:
    u cant realize why "ONS" seems a such big deal to us as same as we cant figure out why you guys have some saucy dirty sex ,or Guy Party ,and Casually Fucking stuff.

    this is the differance of Culture,traditional,even hunman nature.

    plus,the accord of infection of AIDS can proove,wich one is better.
  • Malin Aaker
    Malin Aaker wrote:
    The difference between you and me is that I'm trying to understand rather than categorizing the people who don't feel as I do.
  • Sofia
    Sofia wrote:
    there're so many things in the world that u can't understand
    so u'd better stop thinking abt it becoz it's such a headache, jst stick to ur way ad treat others naturally
  • Malin Aaker
    Malin Aaker wrote:
    yeah.... there are also so many people who are poor and suffer in the world that you won't be able to help them all, so you'd rather let them all die and keep the warmth of your friend.

    Sorry I'm not gonna do that, I prefer to see the many differences and things that I don't understand as many opportunities to get to know people. There's no defining your own way without knowing other people's ways. Ignorance and misunderstanding of each other has led humanity to its most stupid, dangerous and frightening actions, so I could not agree less with what you said.
  • Yuki Inés
    Yuki Inés wrote:
    People here get used to understand sex with complex functions. The most important ones are related to relationship and family making. Of course, quest for joy is also among those functions, but far from the most migty ones.

    Thus, some of them can hardly understand sex as human instinct or a purely joy seeking stuff.
  • Kodi
    Kodi wrote:
    Bottom line is: Some people like one night stands and some people do not. It seems if you find the right person to have a one night stand with then it can happen, but if you need to talk someone into having sex with you that is just pathetic. With all the nasty people out there who knows where they have been? Girls be careful and do not let some stinky dick asshole who you do not know fuck you and you will be better off in the long run lol. Especially foreigners and migrant workers. It is better to know someone and then have sex right? Or do I have the order of things wrong? If you do not want the responsibility that comes with having a girlfriend then you should masturbate instead of wondering if there is some sweeping hypothesis as to why some women do not want one night stands. Oh fuck buddies are also a safer alternative. Everyone is entitled to his/her opinion on this matter because it is definitely a question of who is getting fucked. However I think more good comes from not having one night stands. There are far more downsides than benefits.
  • Fazio
    Fazio wrote:
    Kodi wrote:

    yeah!
  • Fazio
    Fazio wrote:
    Actually,ONS just for some one lonesome,and nowhere to vent sexual desire.Philosopher thread,higher education,higher evolution,higher ethics.

    this is the different from humanbeen to other pieces of creature
  • Siliconfish
    Siliconfish wrote:
    Considering that gender differences in sexual motivation are far more powerful and subtly working than we normally imagine, females are more discriminating in the choice of a mate because they invest more in the offspring from the outset.Whereas men are generally more interested in casual sex, women look for greater emotional commitment in a relationship.

    Essentially speaking, I don't see this point varies among countries.

    Maybe in different social sturctures it results different problems, like in Oriental world ppl are more sexually repressed than the west, but in the occidental society it leads to higher diverce rate. (Keywords , emotional needs.)

    Whatever we are saying now the traditions, different values of worlds,
    they used to/are/will be somehow someway serving human, flesh and blood.
    That's why we are moving on.The thought that we can just transcend the cultures and traditions and literally be "myself" is absurd.
    Whatever choices we are making today, though looking totally individual and willingly free and "natural", our behaviors are complicatly socially and culturally coded.

    And to saibo, I feel confused sometimes just like you do.
    The custom in which we are raised makes us feel safe and belonging in our own countries. Moving to anther place, we should be prepared for some inexpectant.
    take the shock of strange things, adapt some to fit in, distance some to keep urself alert...
    Things weren't the same at the first place, so sometimes learning from the diffeneces is already good enough.
  • Fazio
    Fazio wrote:
    to Jon Gu
    "It's traditional to ride a horse to work too"

    ...............

    thats bigoted dude...
  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:
    @Letsmojito,
    That's a very thoughtful contribution.

    If I may object slightly, I'd like to point out that China isn't really all that sexually repressed. Prostitution is normalized, even in rural areas. Maybe sexual expression is restricted in the media in order to preserve the public order, but this is just on the surface. A lot of married men think it's their right to have a mistress or two and most women are willing to tolerate this behavior to preserve the marriage.

    There is, of course, a far more severe sexual double standard in China. Men are expected to be sexually experienced before marriage, and women are expected to be virgins, as anywhere else. I don't think it's repression at the root of this; young women simply realize that virginity improves their "market value" when searching for a husband. I think they're more motivated by materialism than notions of purity.
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    Fagio, I think someone sounds sexually repressed here...

    @Letsmojito is spot on about genetics. Men are genetically programmed to have one night stands. It's what we do best, spread our sperm everywhere we can. A man can impregnate 100 women a month given a chance, and that improves his evolutionary chances for survival (spreading his DNA, the more offspring he has the better he can ensure his legacy continues).

    For a woman, it makes more sense to stick with one man who can provide for her. A woman at most can have one child a year and that's really stretching an unnatural limit. So it's better for her to search for commitment as a providing husband who raises the children ensures her DNA will continue on.

    Of course I'm only taking in the sense of humans as animals looking for pure survival and replication, not talking about any emotional needs. But really, emotions are just a reward/punishment system to guide us towards the correct behavior and they are strongly affected by our instincts... things that make us happy probably are good for survival and things that make us upset are bad, generally speaking.
  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:
    I'm going to have to disagree with the point about genetics, Gu. Why else would men have a refractory period while women can have multiple orgasms? They can keep going with multiple partners. Monogamy is not built into our DNA.

    Many pre-agricultural societies were matriarchal. This is especially true of pre-Dynastic China. Men's role in reproduction was unknown at one time, and it was believed that women were solely responsible for procreation. They did not have exclusive mates.

    Plenty of primates follow similar mating behaviors.

    WARNING: Graphic description of sex organs ahead:

    huhuhu "a head"

    Ever wonder why the glans (head) of the penis is shaped the way it is? It creates suction to pull another man's sperm away from the woman's cervix, increasing the chance that a man will pass on his DNA instead of the man who preceded him. This was clearly an evolutionary advantage. And it clearly shows that at some time during our evolutionary development, women mated with multiple partners.
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    Good points, but just to spoil it... refractory period? Speak for yourself... it's more fun to go all night, wake up in the morning and then go all day again... bam!
  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:
    Gu: No doubt. Been reading up on Taoist sexual practices? I've never tried that tube pinching trick. I'm worried it'll make my testicles explode.
  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:
    Fagio: I think what's bigoted is your sense of superiority over people in the random hook-up scene. The correlation between sexual promiscuity and intelligence or ethics is spurious, at best.

    Marriage and monogamy aren't for everyone. You have no right to feel as though you are a higher order of mammal just because you aspire to dip your wick in only one vat of wax.
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    Yeah, no, that really doesn't work. It makes the glans swell like a mofo and it hurts! hahahaha

    Why are we talking about this????
  • 随便叫兽
    随便叫兽 wrote:
    We Live In Beijing

    DICKS EXPLODING
  • Cheney
    Cheney wrote:
    Culture difference, that's it.
  • Kodi
    Kodi wrote:
    Don't the Taoist believe it is bad to blow your load too many times? You should only release like once every ten times you have sex right? I think I would die if I did that. I bet that would make for some sticky situations at best lol!
  • Joakim Berg Solum
    Did someone say NOS????



    I live my life a quarter mile at a time baby!
  • A豆腐
    A豆腐 wrote:
    upss :P

    I change then

    haha

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