Discussion » Dating & Romance » Help~ She wants to break up. I don't.

  • 5dk_kid
    5dk_kid wrote:
    My girlfriend and I have been in relationship for one and a half year.
    She's Korean, I'm Asian too, but not Korean. In spite of our cultural differences (language, religion, values, etc.) we really love each other.
    We both knew this day would come sooner or later, we both knew that we won't be together forever, because neither mine, nor her parents would agree to be with a foreigner. My parents still don't know I'm dating a Korean girl.
    Yesterday she told me that she wants to end our relationship and become friends.
    she says if we go on, our love will never end, because she loves me more and more day by day. she says she doesn't want to come to a dead end, I mean she is afraid of not being able to break up with me in the future, so she wants to stop before it's too late.
    I love her from deep bottom of my heart and don't want to let her go. but I don't know how to save our relationship. She says she already has made a decision. I'm pretty desperate right now. Don't know what to do. I have this bitter feeling in my stomach right now. She says we still can be friends, but I don't want to. God I have no idea~ So confused. What should be my next step? please help.
    Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I just can't forget her. This is my first serious relationship by the way. and the first break up. I can't concentrate on other things right now, thinking of us all the time.
    Thanks in advance~
  • Mathew Abisai
    Mathew Abisai wrote:
    change of heart....if u force things its just gonna be worse even if u guys continue the chemistry wont be the same.. i suggest u be strong and respect what she is proposing if u really care about her
  • Kate
    Kate wrote:
    "Relationships are like glass, sometimes its better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together."
  • Daniel
    Daniel wrote:
    Move on. Breaking up with someone because you love them too much is an excuse: if you loved that much, you would make things work, not try to run away from it.

  • Man TianFei
    Man TianFei wrote:
    you are both kids, one: if love feeling strong enough, nothing can't cross.even your parents wouldn't agree. two: time can change everything, the first cut always pain,but after that, you will more mature.
  • Lin Dalan
    Lin Dalan wrote:
    leave her free, and if she is for you she will come back.
  • Tobias Bøckmann
    thank you all~
    Do u think we still can be friends ?
  • Peter Baird
    Peter Baird wrote:
    After a long time. The transition from lovers to friends is made easier by a long period of seperation.

    Sorry for your situation buddy, but it happens to most of us sooner or later. Suck it up and best of luck to you.
  • Mathew Abisai
    Mathew Abisai wrote:
    of course....at least if u also want to
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)

    Been there ... done that ... just let it go ... it might be easier if you dont contact her at all, but that might be only me ...

    Take care
  • 哎呀
    哎呀 wrote:
    You said both of your parents don't want you two to marry foreigners. But have you ever tried to tell your parents to let them accept you? Based on your words, seems not. (you said your parents still don't know you are dating a Korean girl)

    I think at least you should try to convince your parents that you two are so in love and hope you could have their blessings. The bottom line for your parents is they want you happy! Sometimes they just want to use their way to make you happy. You need to be patient and also use some tactics to convince them.

    Don't assume parents are always old fashioned, stubbon, hardly changed. For many occasions, we are just lazy to make efforts.

    Just try it harder, then even though it doesn't work, no regrets.
  • Tobias Bøckmann
    Thank you all.
    We met at lunch today. Seems she has made her final decision.
    But I could see she still loves me, from her eyes, I could feel it.
    One of the main reasons we can't continue is religion. She's Christian, goes to this Korean Church several times a week. She's very religious. I respect that very much.
    IN church they told her she can't date a non-christian person. she wanted to break up with me earlier, several times, but just couldn't, because loved me much. Religious differences does not bother me that much though. but for her it's very important. she once told me : God is first, then you.
    So she got stuck between me and her faith. Maybe I should accept it now. but I just can't let her go, cause everything was fine, near perfect. Why to stop?
    She said it's hard to resist herself when I'm around, when I hug her, kiss her, I can tell she still loves me.
    I told her that I will wait for her anyways. I couldn't hold my tears... T.T
    I would give up everything I own for one more month, week, or a day with her...
  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:
    Man, this is breaking my heart. i feel for you for sure. this is sad, but like people have said you will come out of it stronger, more mature. i know that can't help so much right now.

    it's very sad that a religion could keep apart two people who are positive for each other.

    but love conquers all. and i do believe that.

    so, take your time and let things heal.

    and no matter what happens, keep loving !

  • Daniel
    Daniel wrote:
    I changed my mind: if you love someone, you have to be willing to break their spirit!

    Let's say, you loveher , she loves you, but religion/parents are getting in the way. The way I see it you really need to emphasise the importance of love, in both a religious and a family context:

    Religion: It annoys me when representatives of Christianity insist that God would rather you be unhappy. I'm sure these people in her church wouldn't think God is going to give up on all non-Christians(this is what conversion is for), so I don't see why they should be advising her to give up on you. You could even suggest the possiblity of coming around to Christianity or that she could convince you given time if you don't feel particularly strongly about it: whatever it takes, right?

    Anyway, I would emphasise that: loving a non-Christian doesn't necessarily displease God, maybe it could even be a good thing because she is trying to convert/save you. Present it this way.

    Parents-wise: Present it the same way. Someone that loves you as parents are meant to want you to be happy above all else. You should not do something to make other people happy if it makes you unhappy: people that care about you would not take pleasure from this, and if someone does prefer your unhappiness for the sake of their ideas or minds, then they are not people you should think about.

    This is just my opinion, and I have a very single-minded approach to stuff like this: love should be above everything else. If you find someone that makes you happy and is happy being with you, then you should keep that person, even if there are problems and conflicts that go with that. Nothing should be more important than loving someone, and even if you're very religious, you should be able to believe that God wants you to be happy with whoever you feel is right for you.

  • Iain Bonner
    Iain Bonner wrote:
    Maybe send her a link to this forum ; - )
    thanks in advance!
  • A豆腐
    A豆腐 wrote:
    In these moments you should show to her two things:
    a)the first is that you want to stay with her, you must to show that you have enough energy and courage for defeat the obstacles. This situation is hard for her, she needs to know (or better, feel) that you love is solid, consistent, secure. In this moments of uncertainty and hard decision, she needs know that you will be stay there.
    b) Very important, is in relation with the first, you mustn´t be hard, weight, don´t overwhelm her with many messengers and calls, not obsession, she needs her space, she doesn´t need other problem (in this moment if you insist very much, you will be a problem, she will feel you like a problem, don´t do this, ok?). Think this: Many people saying to her that she must to do, and only one voice (your voice) offering the freedom, the confort, true love, What do you think that she will choose?
    You must to transmit to her with your actions, with your words this idea, this feeling: ¨I love you, and I will always be there, if you need me, and I´m ready to work for us very hard, I know that you and me have many onstacles, but I have the courage for defeat all. But also I don´t want that you begin to feel me like a chain, like a prision, I don´t want this, so if you believe that we must to end, I will respect this¨.

    I´m catholic, I studied in a nuns school until the university. And the first thing that we learnt was: ¨God is love¨. So...
    Also say that in the life in the catholic groups around the church, there are many kinds of person, and there is a kind of persons that in really they hate the love, the life... This kind of catholic persons never give good advice to the people, they always very happy inside (although their face very moan when the person tell them the problems) when the person give up in some thing of the life. Is difficult to explain this,is like an ill of the mind between the catholics, but I have experience in this, many years living in this ambient. So Maybe your girlfriend is being adviced for a shit-person. Maybe a paraoid or maybe not (you don´t insinuate this to your girlfriend, she doesn´t need this)
    In any case: Good luck!

  • NN
    NN wrote:
    somehow love is color-blind ... ...
  • Johnny Høglien
    set her free and set you free~~~
  • Pavoir Sponse
    Pavoir Sponse wrote:
    Most people are talking as if a man has never won a girl back before. It does happen, even if it is a long shot he might as well try...
  • Cuteangelalice
    something happened, just let them go, cos like you said , you both knew the time will come in soon or later, however ...... i knew the feel of the break up.... is so hurts....even now i m still hurting...... but..... life need move on , right ?
    If you dont want to be friend of her , then don't , cos better being silent , after while , maybe she will met someone else, and maybe you will met someone too.... after all, we will know whom is most lover in our life , then thats it. cos this is life....... or maybe she will figure out you're the best one in her all life ,and she will back to you, this is possible ........
    I hope this day will come in to you soon, break up is not mean , you're looser ; break up will make youself know more things....however from the mind or others ...... come on .... we're both need be tough.......
  • Kodi
    Kodi wrote:

          Wow this is actually breaking my heart too!  I am very sorry for you man.  The best thing to do is respect her decision and don't hate her for it.  It may be easier if you do not speak with her for a while.  It will ba hard for you at first, but you can surround yourself with friends who love you and just try to be happy and do not think about it. 

         I have also felt that feeling in my stomach before and I know what it feels like.  It's like you need to take some action because your world is falling apart and your insides are being ripped out, but there is absolutely nothing you can do. 

         Try to smile every day and know that in the future you will find something better and you will look back on this as a great learning experience.  I know it does not feel like it right now, but this will make you stronger.  Good luck man....

  • Tobias Bøckmann
    really appreciate all your responses. What would I do without u guys. 谢谢~
    I thought we were done and that we will go our separate ways. I deleted all her photos, emails, her phone number, sms, letters, everything, just tried to forget her and move on. I knew I had almost no chance of getting her back, BUT~! yesterday she called me. Big surprise. I was on the bus so didn't hear the phone rang, noticed when I got home. I didn't call back right away, today I sent her a message and we met for a coffee. I was so happy to see her again. I thought I was dreaming, really.
    I said I still love her and would do anything to be with her again. she said that she regrets that she broke up with me, she can't forget me either, still loves, and so on.
    BUT~ she jumped into another relationship right after our breakup. wth~ !
    There's this Korean guy ,that goes to the same Church with her, and he really likes her, I knew this bfore. so she started dating him, to make it easier to forget me. She says she was wrong. She misses me even more when she's with him. We talked and she says she wants to be with me again but she's stuck betweem two of us now. she doesn't want to hurt him either. she's a really kind hearted person.
    she's really confused. maybe she's thinking too much. She says she doesn't know how to tell him about me. The guy thinks I'm her friend, but he is a little suspicious (怀疑) ?
    I said that she must tell him the truth. Or what/how should she tell him?
    I know this is a long post, and really confusing situation, and my English is limited, sorry. It's 4 30 AM right now , I can't sleep.
    I want to be with her again. So what do u think she should do in this confusing situation? any advice would be greatly appreciated
  • Candy Q
    Candy Q wrote:

    obviously u've been through a lot~~~

    it's your fault to go for it in the very beginning because both of u guys knew that nothing good could come out of it...

    but since u've both been trying so hard, looks like u r really in love, about her, I don't  know.  It seems to me that either this girl is too naive and weak, or she's been playing games with both of u.

    If that girl is so blind about love and religion,  go for guys for the reason that they go to the same church and keep hurting the guy that she says she loves?? I wouldn't try this hard any more, she won't appreciate it~~

    Give her some pressure, it's not your problem, it's her that has the problem that made it difficult for both of u, and it's her that caused the new stupid problem. So she should step up and take more responsiblities. what she's doing right now is really bad, u don't date another guy and go back to your ex and tell him u r still in love with him, that's bullshit !!     She's already did stupid things, it's time for her to take some consequenses, and in this situation, someone will get hurt, so be prepared anyway.

    U probably don't deserve this. But if she's really the girl u want, u should go for it, otherwise u probably will regret later.

    So cheers~~~good luck~~~

  • Candy Q
    Candy Q wrote:

    plus, I know couple should try to solve problems together and be supportive to each other. But u r not a couple any more, so just let her deal with her shit, and she can come back to u when she's ready, if u r still there for her of course.

    And about u, stop whining and be a man. If LOVE is not there any more, there's nothing u can do. So stop being obssessed with this and move on with your life, I know u r not superman but there's definetly more important things for u to do.LOL.Get some sleep.

  • Daniel
    Daniel wrote:

    And about u, stop whining and be a man

    Awesome advice! (It was only a matter of time before someone said this)

  • Tobias Bøckmann
    great post Candy Q.Thanks. I know I should stop whining. yeah, she made everything even more complicated. Really hope this will end soon.
    Sometimes she thinks too much, sometimes too little. making stupid decisions.
    sorry Shino. I shouldn't be so weak. I understand ur frustration. Won't be trashing this forum with bsh anymore.
    Thanks everyone~
  • Miriam Pedersen

    She left you exactly because of the fact that you become weak and thus uninteresting. The more you show you are dependent the less she will be interested.

    Stand up and get back your personality before you met her. You should have had some, right? Otherwise why did she fall in love with you before?

    So stop contacting her and get your life fixed (get some work to do, change your outfit, take care of your friends etc.). Show her that you are an attactive man and can handle your life without her, by action and not by talking. You can't reason with a woman at this stage anymore.

    Good Luck!

  • Miriam Pedersen

    And one more thing. Don't accept ever any invitation to become "just friends". This is dead-end! Don't get youself into such a humiliating situation. Otherwise she will feel comfortable dumping you there.

    Ask youself: do you really want to be at her side as her "friend", when she start telling you about her wonderful ONS with that guy she met on a party last night? Think about it.



  • Cuteangelalice
    If is me .i will not go back anymore. ....cos past is past...nothing could back . especially . she have no idea who she love more. you dont need stuck in this relationship. just move ur legs ......please.....
  • Lily Wang
    Lily Wang wrote:
    The relationship is stuck. You both have to work out to make a future for your relationship or marriage. Love can not exist without bless from your parents or friends. You have to make a union for two family. Or love may be worn away sooner or later.
  • Renée Lok
    Renée Lok wrote:
    if she wanna break up,don't you think this relationship is meanless?!
  • Ci Jiayin
    Ci Jiayin wrote:
    I think when she made this desicion, she's hurt to, i don't think she wanna let it go either, but does she have the choice? Well, why not take her for the last trip back to your home meet your parents, tell your family that you love her, she's the one that you been loved and wanna take care, at least let this relationship come out. she will know you make the effert, now it's her turn, if she also wanna work out, tell her that both of you guys will work together, if she still wanna break up, then give her time, give yourself time...
  • Jenny Liao
    Jenny Liao wrote:
    sorry to hear that man, but my advice is let her go and grow up!

    if she really loves you or understand what love really is, then nothing can stop her. The only thing that made her want to break up with you is simply the fact that she doesn't love you enough(or something else you don't really want to know or should care). Or she's too weak under "pressure" and doesn't know what she wants. And trust me, you don't want to get into any of those shit, only creates more problems later.

    Hate to say this, but some break ups will eventually do you good. You seem to be very young and doesn't have that much of experience since you said that's your first serious relationship. But in case you think you'll regret it if you let go now, then you should at least try to get her back. Mr.(潇然) Adolfo Secades already gave the best advice for this. But only do this if you think she's the one! but have to warm you, it'll just hurt more if it turns out that she still decides to leave you and you see her throw the heart you put in her hands in your face! And i am not sure you are ready for this if you are all"confused and can't concentrate on anything now"

  • Zoé
    Zoé wrote:
    time will change everything...let her go...if you love her..
  • 巴尔克
    巴尔克 wrote:
    u can't change anythig ..just leave her and wait..till then just calm and cool and njoy buddy
  • Lucia
    Lucia wrote:
    hey guy,
    how are you doing?did you have relationship with that Korean girl who stuck betweem two of yours still?in my opinion,you should give up .the girl isn't worthy of loved.just leave her alone,and hanging out with your new friends.that is the man who should do!
  • Webslave
    Webslave wrote:
    dignity, my friend, dignity!

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