Discussion » Beijing Life » 离婚 (Divorce)

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹) wrote:

    To make a very long story very short ... my sister-in-law (my wife's sister) had gone apes with something, and her husband is threatening to divorce her if she does not correct what she had done, she countered it by saying "well, let's do it". He backed down by offering her cash, and now she will undo what she did.

    I am sure at least one person in this community is a divorcee, and I would like to get someone's opinion about what they might be thinking ... by the way, they had been married for 4 years and have a 3-year-old daughter.

    ** Please specify your marital status when you comment, thanks!

    长话短说...我的小姨最近做了很多很古怪的事,她的丈夫威吓她,要是她不把部分的事改正,他就要跟她离婚!她反驳说,"离就离吧",结果他让了一步,就是给她钱,她也同意做一个改正.

    我很肯定这里有不止一个离婚者,我很想了解的是,他们俩现在的心理状态应该是怎么样的?要补充一点,他们俩已经结婚4年,有一个3岁的女儿.

    ** 留言的时候,麻烦你把你的婚姻状态说明.谢谢

     

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)

    ...

    我想知道的,不是他们是否应该离婚,而是他们的心理状态...也谢谢了

    What I really need to know, is not whether they should divorce or not, is what is in their minds right now ... thanks though

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)

    ...

    可能我说的还不是很清楚...抱歉...

    男的不是很想离婚,但以目前女的心理状态,她不能做一个很称职的妈妈...

    女的...可以说是被洗脑了,或自信心过剩...入息不稳定(佣金制度),但觉得自己可以一个人带孩子,要不,就让自己的爸妈(两个老人家都70岁左右),自己出去拼搏...

    Maybe I have not stated all the facts? I am sorry about that ...

    The guy is not really keen on the idea, but the psych status of my sister-in-law is not fit to be a good mother at the moment

    My sister-in-law might have been brainwashed or over-confident ... she thinks she can look after the girl, or let the parents (both in their 70's) look after her while she goes into the real world to bring the bread home ...

     

     

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)

    ...

    Got a new story here, and I am curious about what some of you might think ...

    I have known this particular girl from outside Beijing for a few years, post 80, "close 3" now. She had been changing BF very frequently, and as far as I know, no one ever made it more than a year. She had expressed her desire to find the right guy soon, because a lot of her friends had already been married (some even have babies) ... on the other hand, some of these friends divorced only after being married for a year or two, and that caused her to be picky about each guy she met ...

    Anyway, kind of out of desperation, she finally decided to settle with this guy from her home town. Though not from a very famous university, she had at least completed her first degree, and all her friends came from similar background, however, this guy had only completed basic schooling, and is a chauffeur of a company. Per that town's standard, they both make good money and have a fairly comfortable life, but because of the "gap", she got "cold feet" ... she was concerned about mixing with his friends, and him with her friends ... anyway, they got their marriage license in mid December, but she told me last night that this is not working, and now they have decided to divorce.

    My advice to her is to calm down and try to work things out ... but she said that they almost argued (and fought) every night and this is not what marriage is supposed to be ...

    I am just curious about how you guys and girls feel about this, especially since most of you are post 80's ...

    1. Would you get married, for the sake of getting married, because most of your friends are married?

    2. If there is a "cultural gap" or "education gap" between you and your partner, do you consider this as important before getting married?

    3. If you should choose the path of marriage, would you try to resolve issues or arguments, or just throw up your hands and say the "D" word?

    Feel free to add any other point(s) that's relevant, but please dont do personal attack ... that's all ... yeah, I know, I am old and I am no fun ...

     

  • wrote:
    北京的离婚率高达30-40%,非婚姻状态更高了,所以你问这些人?
    你再问美国人?更没谱了,美国的离婚率在大城市也很高,哈哈
    我觉得结婚不好了,没意思。
  • G
    G wrote:
    well...marrigae...it's tough..
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    哈哈...两位老大,欢迎你们的脚印...

    我只是很好奇,年轻一代,特别是八零后吧,究竟对婚姻是怎么看法...我需要的不是统计数字,而是你们每个人的看法...难道真的因为怕离婚,而逃避婚姻,不敢结婚,不考虑结婚,宁愿游戏人间,做游云野鹤?
  • wrote:
    80后啊,女的要求高,我不是说过了,别人也说过了,要放要车要钱要对方父母双亡,最好带个孩子,只管享受的了;
    对男的,多赚钱,满足上面的要求,要么就不结婚了吗,不也挺好吗。
    我说的不好听了点,我基本没看出来结婚的意义,但是结婚也有结婚的人的看法,不过就我所知,大龄剩男剩女很多,剩男主要是经济条件不好,这个不好不是指没钱而是,很难一次性买房之类的,有人说一起买,这样的也有,就我所知,啃老居多,而且很多女性对房产要求是自己的,很多事情,不好说;剩女,大部分都是性格不好,长得一般,或者自己太优秀(这种的占少部分,毕竟优秀的人就是少部分),很多就是很挑剔,等不想挑剔了,因为知道岁月不饶人,不过已经晚了,我认识的剩男们更乐意多赚点钱找个小Lolita,毕竟没人乐意找个太大的。
    至于离婚,都没结婚离啥婚?不过婚前财产协议很有必要,目的就不多说了,逃避?谈不上,自己都顾不过来还找个麻烦?除非对方愿意多送点彩礼;不考虑结婚,有,不过少,中国社会还比较落后;游戏人家,这种男女很多啊,所以这样的都自己过得挺好呢。
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    哈哈...老孙,还是那句,我对这些所谓统计数字真的没兴趣...就当陪老人家找个乐,假设你自己认识了一个女孩,但真的出现类似的问题,但大家有一些文化背景的差异或教育程度不同,你自己会怎么样...
  • wrote:
    什么问题?
    我觉得我不会出问题。
    我相信天涯何处无芳草,主要的看自己采花的能力啊,人家外国友人都可以随便找,咱不行,但是咱可以多想办法赚点钱,找个好的啊。
    我和谁都不存在文化差异,也不存在教育差异,呵呵
    比如你小姨都可以坦率的离婚,你小姨夫为啥不可以?这个男人不大气,谁要是和我离婚,我立马同意。
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    哈哈...没遇到问题之前,当然不会有问题...

    他们还没离婚,可能因为有小孩,顾虑多了,就不能随便说离就离...
  • wrote:
    所以,孩子不能随便要啊,生出来就麻烦多了,哈哈
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    哈哈...可以说麻烦,但肯定会复杂很多...
  • G
    G wrote:
    有时候,逃避也是个好方法~~~
    当然,难得糊涂更是巧计~~
    只是,我只是老了~
    于是,便不那么容易了~~
    理智了~
    于是,更理智了~
    也许,该糊涂的时候就得糊涂~~
    打油....
  • wrote:
    Good, you are the same poet as Yes Sir, hehe
  • G
    G wrote:
    it's not a poem bud...it's the fact, the truth...

    bloody huh?
  • Candy Q
    Candy Q wrote:
    @叮当,我80后,出来答你的题~~
    1, 我和da fan的共识:婚姻是邪教。我眼中的婚姻:两个人经历了够久的风风雨雨,达成相爱相守的共识。(我说它是邪教,因为入教难,出教更难。但是真成魔了应该也挺无敌的,太少。 )
    2,如果两个人相爱,那两个gap一定小到可以忽略不计,否则,深入交流都成问题,还能谈相爱?我做鬼都不信。
    3,我的态度:要处你就好好处,有事好好做,有话好好说,不能好好解决问题的,要么说开了open relationship, 要么就地一拍两散,谁也别耽误时间浪费感情。(这是态度问题,跟结没结婚没关系。)

    但是我身边的几个朋友(女孩,奔23,都大四),跳着脚想结婚。但是我觉得她们觉得只要经济上没有危机,没有深仇大恨,过得下去就行,不追求太高的精神默契和沟通质量,最重要的:不肯为未知的未来放弃现在的安稳。她们觉得真爱是可以通过时间从无到有培养的,我觉得狗屁不通,真爱只能通过时间成长,不能通过时间产生。就像地基,有就是有,没有就是没有,你去建个空中楼阁试试,我倒想看看能撑多久。

    我对这个问题看法有点绝对,毕竟我懂得还很有限。。。个人想法而已。
    但是我觉得婚姻不幸福很重要一个原因就是结婚动机不纯。当现实达不到预期,稍稍有什么风吹草动就想落跑那很正常。。。
    但是如果是真爱,即使不结婚,两个人感情也会很坚固。
    真爱所带来的幸福感和婚姻无关,但是婚姻带来的幸福一淡二短,更捎不来真爱。

    这个话题太敏感,我这个年龄的朋友之间如果想法差太多我们都绝口不提。我对她们的态度是不鼓励不打击。她们对我的态度是报喜不报忧。挺扭曲的。喝多了的时候我跟她们说过以后可以找我哭,但我只希望你幸福。就没下文了。

    汇报完毕。
  • G
    G wrote:
    糖儿
    -感情是会变化的
    -感情的变化是不由人的主观意志为转移的...(这个说法很悲哀)
    -此刻的真情,就是真情,懂得珍惜就好
    -在一段婚姻中,感情和现实是相辅相成的,缺一不可,柴米油盐和高山流水都少不了
    -凡事需要努力,也要顺其自然,强扭的瓜不甜
  • wrote:
    I fule you.
    你一定是讲相声出身的,呵呵
  • G
    G wrote:
    SUN
    非也,口齿不清,难堪大任~~
    我觉得我说那话儿时挺严肃的~~~~哈哈
  • Candy Q
    Candy Q wrote:
    @gordon
    感情的确是会变的,但是基础和需求不会变。
    很多事情的确不可控,可控的是自己的说出的话做出的事。
    我是个为了现在活着的孩子,珍惜眼前人,不去预言未来,因为我还有太长。
    我同意没有面包土豆就绝对碰不到精神食粮。
    但是金钱只是一种很有效的手段,能救活人,却医不好死人。
    顺其自然,但是得看清前面到底是小溪还是瀑布。
    人们追求的幸福,真爱并不总高居三甲,但是一旦得不到,还是抱憾。
    但是婚姻,就像珠穆朗玛峰,装备不全的体力不支的意志不强的早晚都死在自己手里,看得到山顶的寥寥无几。
    所以不能跟风,省得摔得粉身碎骨都不会明白为了什么。


  • G
    G wrote:
    咱们说的差不多,我说是猪肉,你说是黑豚肉,反正都是那东西~~~
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    哈哈,终于有人给我一个确确实实的回复,谢谢...还有其他人,可以告诉我一些你们的想法吗?最好就是一些打算结婚的...

  • Serena
    Serena wrote:
    @叮噹 我因为家庭的原因对于婚姻是极度的不相信
    如果两个人相爱 不结婚也可以很幸福的啊
    只是说结婚后 会对彼此更多了一分责任
    对我来说 婚姻是我的坟墓 我不想跨进去
    单身 没结过婚 也不想结婚 O(∩_∩)O哈哈~
    如果结婚到时候再离婚 对孩子的打击都是很的的 相信我
    这样的人不要结婚 没责任心
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    哈哈...谢谢"光临"...但什么事都有正反面...

    最近我听到国内很多五十以上的闹离婚,但他们孩子大多都已经在工作,甚至有自己的家庭...我觉得真的很难明白...
  • wrote:
    It is easy to understand, because those old guys can try to find a younger flesh to have fun, haha
    Isn’t ugly? But I think not a bad choice, haha
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    Hahahaha ... you are not helping ... I need to understand how those people think, not your perception of them ... if you know anyone who had considered divorce, or had already divorced (maybe even re-married), please ask them for me and then come back to tell me ...
  • Calli Joo
    Calli Joo wrote:
    “人生已经如此的艰难,有些事情就不要拆穿。”——施人诚


  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    哈哈...我也没有打算"拆穿",只是想知道,假设你自己是当事人,你会有什么想法...

    可以谈性,谈爱,怎么就不能谈离婚呢?
  • Candy Q
    Candy Q wrote:
    I have a friend I grew up with, his parents divorced after his collage entrance examination.
    Love was gone for a long time, the dad moved out when my friend was still in middle school, only went home when my friend had vacations.
    seems to me that they only wanted to protect the kid, so they told him when they thought he was mature enough to handle it.
    But that poor woman was destroyed, it was really difficult for her.
  • Peter Baird
    Peter Baird wrote:
    I was in a realtionship for 13 and a half years. We were never married, but did have a son, and I did often refer to her as my "wife", because our relationship was like a marriage. In fact, during our time together we attended 3 weddings together, and our relationship lasted longer than any of those marriages.

    We broke up at the same time a good friend of mine was getting divorced from his wife of four years. That friend taught my a very a very important lesson, and that is the difference between a girl friend and a wife. It doesn't cost money to break up with your wife.
  • wrote:
    Peter,

    It seems that you really enjoy your relationship with your ex-wife.
    You have a precious son with her, not bad.

    The best is that you did not pay money to break up with your wife, haha
  • Peter Baird
    Peter Baird wrote:
    Er..I meant it doesn't cost money to break up with your girlfriend.
  • wrote:
    haha, I see, that's why you saved lots of money.
  • Candy Q
    Candy Q wrote:
    that's what prenups r for
    @sun, it was not meant to be funny. So~~
  • Xx
    Xx wrote:
    不要把我们小孩当累赘!!
    在一起不开心就分开吧,不要拿孩子当借口啦
  • 哎呀
    哎呀 wrote:
    “it doesn't cost money to break up with your girlfriend."

    That's why wise women choose rich men to get married, and wise men choose never enter into marriage. Half joking.
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    As the old saying goes, "breaking up is hard to do" (there is actually a song about this, but I cannot remember who sang it, if you are too young, feel free to google it, or if google had already been blocked, just take my word for it) ... the marriage certificate (or marriage license if you are in China) is actually just the formality, however, any mention of money and kids just make it that much more complicated ...

    In the latter case (not my sister-in-law), the latest news is that they will not divorce, instead they will learn to resolve their issues and cut down the fights and arguments, and I can only be happy for them ... by the way, my sister-in-law had not divorced yet ...

    More later ... need to start early with the spare ribs and pumpkin ...
  • Marlene Sannes
    Paby (yes isr) .. i would like to know why girl muslim cannot to get marry with guy who is not muslim ?
  • Marlene Sannes
    hehe .. hao ba !
  • Peter S 李贝勒
    Happiness is the most important thing. We have only one life, we should not throw it away. So, if u re not happy with the one U married, a divorce is the best choice...
  • Peter S 李贝勒
    if u don t think forever, u don t marry... but people change, and things change...
  • Sofia
    Sofia wrote:
    single
    如果还在谈恋爱,可以这么任性的来一句:合不了就分吧
    但是涉及到了婚姻,特别是还有孩子
    还是不要这么任性,磨合吧
    就算离婚了换了另外一段婚姻还不是一样有矛盾和不合之处
    世上哪有这么多的perfect couple

  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    哈哈...这些不特别敏感的话题,好像真的没有很多人会回?谢谢各位回帖的新旧朋友...

    其实无论是离婚或结婚,很多时候都不是外人可以理解或明白的...当我们看见(或听见)某某跟谁谁结婚了,也许会"八挂"的说"他们怎么会走在一起",又或者当我们听闻某某离婚了,就会问"他们不是好好的吗?"...我个人意见,"合则来,不合则去,勉强真的是没有幸福"...要是有小孩的,不管选择勉强在一起或离婚,一切都应该以小孩为重...

    Hahahaha ... it does seem that not many people pays attention to such non-controversial topic, and thank you to all old and new friends who had posted ...

    Regardless marriage or divorce, the reason(s) is never easily understood by the outsiders ... when we saw (or heard) someone getting married to someone else, we would ask "how can those two get together", or when someone had a divorce, we might say "werent they always very happy together"...

    My personal view ... be together if it feels right to be together, or seperate (divorce) if it does not feel right to be together, happiness is not about hanging onto something that's "dead" ... if there's a child involved, always choose in the best interest of the child, and sometimes, divorce might not be a bad option (e.g. when the family has no warmth for the child) ...
  • Xx
    Xx wrote:
    Pierre B Stone... wrote:
    if u don t think forever, u don t marry... but people change, and things change...

    it is very true,that's why i don't want to marry now
  • Tonje Nygård
    Tonje Nygård wrote:
    其实小孩子很无辜。我觉得你小姨并没有准备好做一个妈妈。也许婚姻让她觉得很安心,但是婚姻包含的责任她还没有100%接受。现在,我只能说她不做也要做,因为她的小孩是无辜的。其实,并不奇怪,就算小孩3岁了,做妈的也还没有意识到自己的责任的。
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    哈哈...唐医生...英雄所见略同...下班了?
  • Tonje Nygård
    Tonje Nygård wrote:
    还没呢!!你呢?最近有没有看芬芬演的珠光宝气啊?
  • 叮噹叔叔 (令狐叮噹)
    ...

    之前看过几集吧,好像是去香港的时候,在酒店看的...国内的电视台播放的香港电视剧,都是配音的,失真度太高,看得我一头雾水...所以除非是没有其他可以选,否则很少看...也很少上网看香港电视剧...
  • Tonje Nygård
    Tonje Nygård wrote:
    支持芬芬!!哈哈
  • Ruby Cai
    Ruby Cai wrote:
    i think probably ur sister-in-law jst still holding some girl's dreams for her life and she might jst fed up vs her boring marriage or she might jst met someone she felt all of her fantasy of love coming back and etc...so many possibilities happened.

    am not into a marriage yet..but i saw so many similar things happened, jst like one of my best friend had an affair vs her first love when she met him after they broke up 17 yrs ago,she still loves her husband and daughter,but she couldn't help to see her first love,thats kind of regret of her teenhood. Anyway, she told me recently this relationship jst made her feeling worthless and guilty, no fun and passion any more..she jst wants to get rid of it now...but if she wasn't been through all of this, it still will be a big temptation, isn't it?

    by the way, DingDang, "Sister-in-law" in Chiese is"小姨子”, “小姨” is ur mum's younger sister =D
  • Lucia
    Lucia wrote:
    everyone have right to choose thire life. one of my friend have a baby without marriage, she looks after her baby carefully. i hope that having baby without marriage should be allowed in China.
  • ****
    **** wrote:
    maybe she should have think about it before getting married!pff so stupid
  • Dearcc Ll
    Dearcc Ll wrote:
    in the world,responsible people looking for responsible people.responsible people getting married with responsible people..then this kind of thing would be less.and the world more peaceful...
  • Patrick Coleman
    muslims can marry 4 women! will always have 3 reserves afte rdivorced :)
    supposed to convert to islam but i was transfered to china! sucks ...............

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