I'm Not a Player, But...

Posted by Chuck Saliva on 31. Aug 2009


I'm a professional white guy, and have been having the same dating problems for the past year now with local women.

Before we get intimate, I screen potential partners for their level of seriousness and commitment. I don't want a partner -- yet. I tell them that I'm in love with my job, and if we went home together, they have to acknowledge that and not get all "stalky" on me.

Work comes first. 

Most of them promise that they'll keep their distance (if alarm bells go off, then we go home separately). Most of the time, they claim that they're ok with taking it slow. We go, get crazy and the same thing always happens -- they grow too attached, get clingy and make my life difficult after a few weeks. 

How can I have a healthy sex life without worrying that every single chick will try to squeeze herself into my life -- even after my well-intentioned, "cover your ass" ultimatum? 

Don't get me wrong: I'm not a player, but I don't care for a serious relationship now. I don't want to blow off every girl I sleep with and make her feel bad.

What should I do?

Boutros, 26


You're a charmer aren't you?

When you say you're not a player, please define player for me. This is the classic example of "friends-of-benefits-with-no-strings-attached," only that you didn't choose your victims right.

Think about these questions:

1) What age group and what type are your victims?
2) How do you get them to go home with you?
3) When you say work comes first, does it mean that they would come second?

Now, if you haven't found flaws in your quest of sex partner, here's my feeble advice:

Choose someone that is young enough to afford to play around (but not too young) and make sure they have the same mindset. Regardless how charming you are, some girls are just not into relationships either.

This brings me to the question of how you pursue them: I'd say let them come to you.

When they do, forget the sweet talk and coaxing and say "Hey, how about a one night stand? No exchange of phone numbers, no strings attached."

If she agrees, you'll get your hormones covered as well as your ass. If you want more, simply ask for her number and tell her you might call her. The problem with Chinese girls (if not all girls), is that if you put time and effort in pursuing them, they assume that means something. Don't mislead them.

Ultimately, however, I think your ultimate solutions are commitment or masturbation.


I know you're trying to be a nice guy and all with your "cover your ass ultimatum," but you and I both know that that little speech you give is for yourself and no one else. She doesn't care if you tell her "I don't want this to be serious" just before you cum on her face.

If she wants a relationship, she's going to continue to squeeze herself into your life: probably the same way you slide a finger in from behind when things are getting hot and heavy.

You're both just trying to get the other used to the idea of something bigger, and you're both going to end up disappointed and hurt. A lot of girls are looking for something casual, but something that will turn more serious.

If you don't want a serious relationship, you need to be clear with your actions -- not just your pillow talk. You don't have to rub her face in it, but just because you have her doesn't mean you need stop dating.

Let her know you're busy that night because you're seeing someone else. You can say it sheepishly, but not apologetically: it isn't serious, so you're not doing anything wrong.

After that, she'll know that you're still in the game and not focused on climbing the relationship ladder with her.

Maybe she'll throw a fit and storm out of your life, but then you know she didn't take your little talk to heart. If you can keep things light and keep her from getting any ideas about things being more serious, then you can turn your fuck buddy into a lover instead of the psychotic girlfriend you never meant to be dating in the first place.


I'm a professional Chinese girl working in Beijing and don't have much experience dating -- local guys or foreign. I see foreign men around town and on this site, but I don't really know how to approach them without making myself look inexperienced and naïve.

I'm not really sure what I want, maybe something casual, or something more than that.

Any help?

Lynda, 22


Don't worry, you're young, it's not too late to start gathering experience in dating.

I would like to say that you should first figure out what you want, but I know it's not as easy as it sounds. The best way to deal with that is to go with the flow: 顺其自然.

This situation actually works in your interest.

Since you don't know what you want, you have space to explore your options. Go out and date and find out what you want. If there is a guy in which you take special interest, find out what he wants between the two of you, and decide for yourself if you would want the same thing.

As far as approaching a guy goes, it's really a matter of personal choice.

I like the cheesy advice of being yourself, because they will eventually get to know more about you. If you try to cover your inexperience and naïve nature, then what do you think will happen after you've gone out with them?

Maybe it's just your head telling you that you're inexperienced. It's up to the other partner to decide whether you're experienced enough for him. So next time you come across the profile of a guy that you may be interested in, stop by and say "Hi."

Drop a message telling him a bit about yourself, and ask if he would want to casually grab a drink together. See where it goes from there.

Get it on girl.


Foreign guys are really not too hard to approach: most of us will be interested in a girl if she simply shows interest. Just talk to him a bit, and if the conversation isn't a complete disaster and you're still interested, give him your phone number (setting up a time to meet that weekend to call and get drinks isn't a bad idea, either) and forget about him till he calls you.

Don't bother getting his number.

He won't think you're needy, you won't be able to call him if you are, and if he doesn't call, you'll forget about him forever.

Start out and assume everything is going to be casual: getting incredibly attached is something every guy is wary of (see Boutros above), especially when it comes to foreigners dating Chinese. That's the one thing that will switch a guy's perception of you from "cool Chinese chick" to "crazy little girl with a great ass" the quickest.

It would be great if you could meet a great guy right away that will want to spend every minute with you, take you on vacations and marry you, but don't expect it.

The truth is you are going to have to wade through a lot of assholes that are mostly interested in having something around that can talk to their landlord and suck dick.

Learn to understand what is and is not a decent relationship early and it will save you a lot of pain. Once you get into bed, I have three words for you:

Ass. To. Mouth.

It's the new blowjob, and it will freak the fuck out of most guys and they'll come away thinking you're not naïve at all.

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